The problem, of course, is that I still miss you every day like I just lost you the day before.
And I know I should move on, but I don’t know where or how or why.
Whenever I moved before, since I met you, it was to follow you wherever you wanted and needed to go, and to cheer you on from the sidelines, and to be there for you and our wonderful kids.
But now you’re gone and they are grown and I have to start over somehow.
“Re-invent yourself.” That’s what you used to say. “You’ll just re-invent yourself.” And as long as I had you by my side, I always could and did.
There’s no “just” to doing that now, though.
When we moved to Missouri or Texas or Arkansas or North Carolina, I’d always consider how fun it would be to try to persuade you about us retiring to Eureka Springs and visiting Ireland again, with some extended side trips to England and Wales, and riding on trains all over this continent.
You know, to celebrate the day we became engaged. Like we did on our twentieth anniversary on the wine train. Like we did any time we rode any train, with or without the kids.
Now it would not be the same, not without you.
I can’t even talk to you about any of the things we used to talk about, or any of the things I would tell you now. I don’t know if you can see this, read this, know this … if you just don’t exist for a while, and then will again later … if you’re still part of time, or outside of time, or totally transcendent of time.
I have no clue how the eternity thing works.
All I know for sure about it is that you’re not gone. But you’re also not here.
And that nothing, no time, no place, no one can take your place ever.
I don’t know how to feel about any of this.
For the most part, I just don’t.
I don’t feel.
And for now, that has to be all right.