“The ‘seeker-sensitive’ thing wasn’t working. We decided to go with ‘Christ-sensitive.'”

“Sale on indulgences! Less church for more money!”

“Please respect our seating arrangement: Saints in the front; Sinners in the back.”

“We’ve decided not to talk about Jesus this Sunday. You probably already know everything about Him that you need to, and it most likely makes you as uncomfortable as it does us.”

“Sermon topic this Sunday: God Gave Us Mothers. Surely that won’t offend very many folks.”

“Communion will be served individually, in booths set up in the foyer this Sunday so that no one will distract you from your time of communion. Please pick up a booth number and 2:00-minute appointment time ticket as you enter.”

“There is no order of worship this Sunday. There will be no worship leader … except for the Holy Spirit. However, He needs transportation. Can you bring Him with you?”

“We have a sound problem on the right side of the sanctuary. Nobody’s singing over there.”

“Our new minister will be speaking on the ‘Fruits of the Spirit.’ No tomatoes, please.”

“To correct a common misconception: our minister’s ‘D.Min.’ degree does not connote his grade average.”

“We’re over budget, so there will be no collection this week. You are encouraged to give your regular contribution to someone you know is in need. Tax vouchers will be available upon request.”

“We just quote the parts we like.”

“First Church of Predestination: This Sunday’s sermon is titled ‘Let’s Just Get It Over With.'”

“The one who dies with the most toys … still dies.”