Unexpected Things You Learn from KJV Scripture

What it says:

Will the unicorn be willing to serve thee, or abide by thy crib? – Job 39:9

What I learned:
Don’t depend on mythical creatures to do your babysitting for you.

What it says:

And it came to pass, when Jacob saw Rachel the daughter of Laban his mother’s brother, and the sheep of Laban his mother’s brother, that Jacob went near, and rolled the stone from the well’s mouth, and watered the flock of Laban his mother’s brother. And Jacob kissed Rachel, and lifted up his voice, and wept. – Genesis 29:10-11

What I learned:
If you’re manly enough to roll a stone but you’re still a crybaby, learn to move fast with the girl you’re crushin’ on.

What it says:

And David said to Abishai, and to all his servants, Behold, my son, which came forth of my bowels, seeketh my life: how much more now may this Benjamite do it? let him alone, and let him curse; for the LORD hath bidden him. – 2 Samuel 16:11

What I learned:
Apparently, there is more than one way to “begat” a son.

What it says:

And it came to pass that night, that the angel of the LORD went out, and smote in the camp of the Assyrians an hundred fourscore and five thousand: and when they arose early in the morning, behold, they were all dead corpses. ~ 2 Kings 19:35 and/or Isaiah 37:36

What I learned:
Some days it just don’t pay to get out of bed.

What it says:

And the mixt multitude that was among them fell a lusting: and the children of Israel also wept again, and said, Who shall give us flesh to eat? We remember the fish, which we did eat in Egypt freely; the cucumbers, and the melons, and the leeks, and the onions, and the garlick – Numbers 11:4-5

What I learned:
Take a leek before you leave.

What it says:

“And it came to pass …” – (about 450+ times)

What I learned:
“And it came to pass,”
my old friend would say
was his favorite Bible verse.
For the best times and the worst
To the last and from the first
Not a one of them comes to stay
– but they come to pass.

14 thoughts on “Unexpected Things You Learn from KJV Scripture

  1. I like the verses that contain the descriptive phrase “he who pisseth against the wall” like 1 Kings 14:10 “Therefore, behold, I will bring evil upon the house of Jeroboam, and will cut off from Jeroboam him that pisseth against the wall, and him that is shut up and left in Israel, and will take away the remnant of the house of Jeroboam, as a man taketh away dung, till it be all gone.” I say anybody that pees on your wall is fair game. The bible says so.

  2. Great post! Perhaps you could do a follow-up on other “interesting” verses such as Judges 5:27 or Hosea 3:1(referring to the sacred raisin cakes).

  3. Daron says “raisin cakes.” Keith (i got it right this time!) says “flagons of wine.”Now, look at the trouble we run into when we start using that Non-Inspired Version!This is serious business…I’m sure that discrepancy in that verse makes a huge difference…I don’t know, off-hand, what difference it makes……but i’m sure it does!

  4. I think raisin cakes is the right one…those pagans sure liked their raisin cakes. Now you can see why the Israelites were so fickle…That would sure be tempting.Mmmmmm….raisin cakes.

  5. In the < HREF="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Hosea%203:1;&version=9;" REL="nofollow">original version<> written in English by Hosea himself at the behest of King James, it says “flagons of wine.”

  6. All I know is that if my mother catches me reading some of this OT stuff… I’m gonna get a beatin’!Drinkin’ and sleepin’ around and killin’ folks…

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