Robert Heinlein chronicled a far-flung future’s The Notebooks of Lazarus Long; a few years later, David Gerrold responded with the often-hilarious and equally-irreverent Sayings of Solomon Short. That was all years ago, so I have decided at last to reveal The Maxims of Methuselah Moot (although some of them go back as far as the Greek philosopher-humorist Mediocrites).

It is merely coincidental that most if not all are 140 characters or less.

• Lads, here’s a good rule of thumb: Never date a girl whose voice is deeper than yours.
• So I asked Voldemort “What’s it like being dead this time?” He didn’t say anything, so either he’s very ticked off or it’s a lot more final.
• Sometimes the kindest thing you can say is nothing. Especially when you’re angry. But also when someone else is hurting. And you’re angry. (This one may have been inspired by Jack Handey.)
• Has anyone let Sarah Palin know that if she’s ever elected President, she would be expected to actually do the job?
• Actually, Donald Trump was the first to offer a jobs plan: “You’re fired!”
• I’m not a drinkin’ man, but if a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster would alleviate the way I feel this morning, I’d risk it.
• There is no opinion so stupid that you can’t reply “Well, of all the points of view there are in the world, yours is certainly one of them.”
• There is nothing so rare as a day in June (except in June) unless it’s a steaklet in a French restaurant.
• The art of mosaic isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
• Indecisiveness isn’t as bad as all that — and yet it is, and much worse, sometimes.
• With each passing year, my skills in advanced narcolepsy become even more acute.
• If I had it all to do over again … aaah, I probably wouldn’t live to be 112, so what’s the point?
• Hey, folks. Install a window in your paradigm, okay?
• If you cross a chocolate lab with a maltese, do you get a chocolate malt?
• Today’s earthquake near the District of Columbia has confirmed the existence of the legendary Congressional Fault.
• There is a beverage that seemeth sweet to a man, but the aftertaste thereof is bitterness to the soul.
• I’d buy myself some ginko biloba if I thought I could remember to take it.
• You go ahead and have a fun night. I’m tired enough for both of us and can turn in early. You’re welcome.
• The way to a man’s heart is through his accelerator pedal foot. Cardiologists have known this for years. All women should.
• Surely there can be no computers in heaven, for Gabriel himself would lose his soul at their mischief. All the more reason to yearn for it.
• Some like Cutter’s Point; some like High Point. But my favorite brand of decaf coffee is Whats-the Point.
• Like Howard the Duck, we are all trapped in a world we never made. Well, okay, we made some of it … worse. But it’s not all Cleveland.
• Thinking about calling my dentist to see if he could schedule me in today for a couple of hours of soft music and gas.
• I gave up worrying — or thought I had, until I caught myself worrying that I wasn’t worrying enough.
• The most tragic oxymoron of all: “holy war.”
• There are two types of people in the world: Those who finish what they start
• Well, here I am sitting on my bottom with a headache. But at least I’m not sitting on someone else’s bottom with their headache.
• In addition to a “Dislike” button … has anyone approached Facebook about adding a “Don’t Care” button?
• How many Mad Hatters does a Tea Party need?
• I appreciate air conditioning. I’m not a big fan of big fans.
• Yay. The debt ceiling hike passed. Now we can spend more money than we have for a little while longer before China forecloses on US. Yay.
• I just bit my tongue. I’d have bitten someone else’s, but I was by myself.

Well, that’s just a sampling of The Maxims of Methuselah Moot that you’ve missed last month by not following keith_brenton on Twitter, ’cause I share them there almost as fast as I receive through the ol’ neurotransmitters (unless I happen to remember my aluminum-foil skullcap and can avoid them).