Even Still Yet More Maxims of Methuselah Moot

Methuselah MootRobert Heinlein chronicled a far-flung future’s The Notebooks of Lazarus Long; a few years later, David Gerrold responded with the often-hilarious and equally-irreverent Sayings of Solomon Short. That was all years ago, so I have decided at last to reveal Even Still Yet More Maxims of Methuselah Moot (although some of them go back as far as the Greek philosopher-dishwasher Bolognades).

It is possibly coincidental that most if not all are 140 characters or less.

  • Sickened by the inaction of both epistemologists and animal rights activists, I am today starting the “FREE SCHRÖDINGER’S CAT” movement.
  • Rene Descartes: “I think; therefore, I am.” Me: “God is; therefore, I thank.”
  • There are some people who think for themselves. There are other people who think they’re thinking for everybody.
  • My word is my bond. I told that to the judge, but she said it was insufficient.
  • Maybe it IS best to live 1 day at a time. I tried living 2 and 3 days at a time during finals week in college, but then I’d crash 2 days.
  • I wish I had a job like Polly and Wally, where I could doodle all the day.
  • Believers in Christ who don’t shoot for perfection ain’t aimin’ high enough. (Matthew 5:48)
  • “Matthew 5:11-12 … Matthew 5:11-12 … Matthew 5:11-12 … ” It’s my mantra today.
  • This year, for Lent, I am going to try to give up judging people. I will not be indulging to celebrate on Sundays, but asking forgiveness.
  • Just had to walk away from “Parenthood.” Love the show. But as an adoptive parent, I couldn’t handle birthmother Zoe’s anguish.
  • Well, they should have called it a “drive-past” window instead of a “drive-thru” window if they didn’t want me to …
  • My favorite president? William Henry Harrison, who died in office after one month, before he could do anything history would have us regret.
  • Fair warning to churches who’ve sent teens to Winterfest: They’ve heard the gospel that frees their souls, not laws which kill their hope.
  • Do sumpin ta bless sumbody t’day.
  • I appreciate Twitter. It teaches me to communicate concisely. Look! 53 characters left!
  • What folks say/write says something about them. Their words – even when they don’t realize it -can be a clue that you need to pray for them.
  • Okay, seriously, Microsoft – at the end of the day, I don’t want to shut down my laptop and wait for 20 minutes while 11 UPDATES INSTALL!
  • If I feel the need to close something I’ve said with “Just sayin’,” then I probably should have swallowed it instead of said it.
  • One thing about growing older that I don’t like is my increasing inability to maintain a coherent where was I going with this?
  • I unlocked the Expert Nonconformist Clueless Apathetic Badge at @ExtremelyBoredPeople !
  • If I liked you better, I might argue with you more.
  • When I express it toward them, it’s “tough love.” When they express it toward me, it’s “persecution.”
  • If there was a way I could get my work done by sitting like a dormant zombie, I’d be ready for today.
  • You haven’t truly received grace until you have been able to show it to others.
  • Masters of transcendental meditation can actually psychically move from a state of Nirvana to a state of Arkansas.
  • Okay, I’m visualizing whirled peas. Now trying it without the blender. Nope, can’t do it without CGI.
  • My dog Roadie would win hands-down at #Westminster if there was a breeding category called “Sweet-Natured Doofus.”
  • There’s a pre-warmed bed waiting for me. But before I get in it I have to shoo the cats off of it. #felinebedwarmers #electricwouldbecheaper
  • When I was little, I wanted to grow up to be Captain Kangaroo. Of course, he passed away years ago, so I’m glad I didn’t get what I wanted.
  • Tomorrow’s Valentine’s Day, and I’m reminding you that geeks need love, too. But a slide rule probably won’t cut it. Unless it was Nimoy’s.
  • It can be difficult to love someone with issues. Especially if it’s years’ worth of issues. Of, like, “Seventeen” or “Boy’s Life.”
  • How to determine if your husband or wife really loves you: First, determine whether you have a husband or wife. Then we’ll go from there.
  • You can tell a lot about a person by the way they insult their spouse and kids.
  • We think news anchors are smart, but they’re not. They say, “See you at 10:00” but TV doesn’t work that way. We see them; they can’t see us.
  • I’m not as afraid of dying since finding out that all sorts of dead people still have access to Twitter.
  • Would like to be able to get a few more things done today before my head finally decides to explode after all.
  • Well, yeah, they’re okay musically. But they never actually fought any foo. #programmersareheroes
  • I’m in a whiny mood and the only thing I have to whine about is that I don’t have anything else to whine about.
  • Keep repenting until it sticks. Then start repenting of something else.
  • Forgive and forget. But don’t forget that you’ve forgiven. (Your turn, @MaxLucado.)
  • Anyone who says, “Scripture says this, but it means that” is selling you something. Be careful what you buy.
  • “Love never fails. Failure to study never passes. Neither does Tony Romo.”
  • Beware of folks who add (only), as in “Faith comes (only) by hearing.” Seeing is believing, too (John 10:38; 20:28).
  • Perfect love drives out fear. Imperfect love drives a Ferrari and wears sunglasses. (Your turn, @TravelingMead.)
  • My village called. They want their idiot back. Homesick and honored. But bummed that I have never even been nominated here.
  • Some days I can only be the tiny moth that feeds on the ill-fitting sweaters knitted from fibers of man-made orthodoxy. Hey, it’s a living.
  • Don’t strain at a Gnat and swallow a Camel. Especially the filter tips. Bleah.
  • It just occurred to me that the most important thing I do today might just be … to pray for someone.
  • My score spread was off, but at least I guessed the right team. You’ve got a 50-50 chance even when you know nothing about the NFL. Like me.
  • At least the Material Girl had sufficient material for her costume … if not her performance.
  • Now we know for certain what we’ve all been wondering about: the Chevy Sonic faithfully obeys the laws of gravity.
  • Patriots 28, Giants 31, Indianapolis $364,000,000, NBC $3.5 million/30-seconds in advertising. That’s my pick of the winners.
  • I wanted to tweet something positive, encouraging, witty, intelligent and inspiring today. Uh … lemme get back to you on that, okay?
  • I saw my shadow today and realized there would be six more weeks of New-Year’s-resolution-diet.
  • I could care less about your apathy. As if it matters to you. Or me.
  • There’s a small number of people who don’t think I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread — but understand, sliced bread is way overrated.
  • I know this will come as a shock for my fans on signing day, but I’ve decided to let my eligibility expire in order to pursue table tennis.
  • @bmitchell42 says she’s interested in a marathon. I love marathons. I could watch ’em all day. Star Trek, Friends, Phineas & Ferb – whatever
  • If his Grace has brought you safe thus far, then you don’t need nobody else takin’ you home.
  • Just had to give a friend bad news: that K-Cups are for Keurigs, not a new bra size. He was heartbroken.
  • I was banished from Farmville with the prestigious Brown Thumb Award and several animal neglect charges.

I promise this is absolutely the next-to-the-last time I will publish more “Maxims of Methuslah Moot.” However, if you would like to experience them as they spring unbidden to the three pounds of goat cheese known as my brain and thence to my keyboard, all you have to do is follow keith_brenton at Twitter.com.

Still Yet More Maxims of Methuselah Moot

Methuselah MootRobert Heinlein chronicled a far-flung future’s The Notebooks of Lazarus Long; a few years later, David Gerrold responded with the often-hilarious and equally-irreverent Sayings of Solomon Short. That was all years ago, so I have decided at last to reveal Still Yet More Maxims of Methuselah Moot (although some of them go back as far as the Greek philosopher-humorist Eurippadese Eumendadese).

It is possibly coincidental that most if not all are 140 characters or less.

  • I’m so old I can still remember when a television was also a piece of furniture.
  • I don’t care whether you wish me a Merry Xmas, Christmas, Happy Holidays, Kwanzaa or Hanukkah. I love you and hope your season’s great!
  • Finished “The Shack” last night. Recalculating.
  • Have you noticed that in the advertising for all those iPads and tablets, nobody uses the positioning line “It’s like a big ol’ Palm Pilot”?
  • I’ve avoided entering the ministry thus far in life … mostly due to the fear of being changed from Free Moral Agent to Cheap Moral Agent.
  • Note to self: Don’t try to be too chummy with God today, okay? (Isaiah 55:8-9)
  • Can we really trust St. Nick? According to the commercials, he builds Mercedes-Benz … but he sells Chevrolets. #sleighworknotenough?
  • I kinda skipped the news over the holiday weekend … who’s the new GOP Presidential Flavor-Of-The-Week?
  • If I were a character in a J.K. Rowling “Harry Potter” novel, I’m afraid I would be named “Pudgewort.” #thanksgivingaftermath
  • I would like to shop on Cyber Monday, but I don’t want my computer to get pepper-sprayed or knocked unconscious by ‘Net police ….
  • Can I just honestly tell you I don’t know all the answers … partly because I’m not sure about all of the questions? No? Well, never mind.
  • This morning in class I’m substitute teaching on Mark 13 – the chapter where I once lost my faith (along with Matt. 24, Luke 9, 17 & 21).
  • No, no. It’s okay. Don’t mind me. Just go on with your posting. I’ve got a magazine.
  • I think the chief requirement for being a sports color commentator is a penchant for stating the obvious by using an obfuscating metaphor.
  • Bet that Aflac duck could be prepared for a more appropriate career by the chefs at P.F. Chang’s ….
  • Well, just hate me now. I kinda like Nickelback. And some other greasy shiftless rock bands that remind me of Black Oak Arkansas.
  • My first Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade in hi-def. It’s like being there, but warmer.
  • All of you have something to be thankful for: that I was not cast in a “Twilight” movie, and you don’t have to see me without a shirt on.
  • I am thankful that I am not any more stupid than I am.
  • I know it’s a little early, but … anyone making plans for Festivus yet?
  • I’m really not hard to please at the Thanksgiving table …or any other table. I like anything with calories. The more calories, the better.
  • I hadn’t used the WinXP desktop in my office for about a month. I am now downloading & installing 123 high-priority updates. Est.: 1 hr. 22.
  • I wasn’t going to say anything, but our Christmas tree’s skirt makes its hips look big.
  • My dog has been worrying his black fur so much this week that it looks like a puppy exploded on the living room floor.
  • 140 characters in search of meaning and popularity. Used to be Twitter. Now it’s the Republican presidential candidate array.
  • Wish I could afford to Shop for Small Business this Saturday. I’d like to buy a hobby shop.
  • I think it’s a sign that I’ve watched too much TV recently when I wish the blonde lady from the Target commercials could get a life.
  • An iPhone is a great source of informational illumination … especially when in a windowless restroom and someone turns out the lights.
  • Matt. 7:20 says “By their fruits ye shall know them.” Dear Westboro Baptist Church: Maybe the Lord doesn’t need recycled horse apples.
  • Booing a first lady. Any first lady. Really classy. Suggest we change the name to CRASSCAR.
  • The current U.S. debt – $15 trillion – is that really more than $2,000 for every person alive on the planet or is my math messed up?
  • The more low-calorie soda you drink, the thinner you get … right?
  • If you have multiple personalities but keep them all straight, is it still a disorder? (We need to know urgently!)
  • The economic plight of our country is the direct result of a vast, both-wing conspiracy.
  • I am not ready for Thanksgiving. I am already 20 pounds overweight.
  • My mom was never shy about demonstrating to me why it is called “child-REARing.” #disciplinedwhethermyrankwascorporalornot
  • Grateful to have been able to get – and get over – my usual Sunday migraine yesterday and thrill to worship with my church family today!
  • If we want significant change, we need to start an Occupy A Restroom Stall movement. (Re: 1965 Natalie Wood movie “The Great Race”)
  • People who line up for midnight premieres of movies about teen vampires and werewolves are from the Twilight Zone.
  • When traveling by air and in airports, try to avoid critiquing things with the phrase “It’s da bomb.” #freeadviceworthwhatyoupaidforit
  • Dyslexia messes up your life. Here I’ve been trying to make a difference the last work day of the week, thinking they were “causal Fridays.”
  • Repeating myself wouldn’t be so bad if I just had something to say. Repeating myself wouldn’t be so bad if I just had something to say.
  • Someone going to the premiere please tell me tomorrrow what I so desperately need to know: 1. Who is Dawn? and 2. How did they break her?
  • Angi’s watching an HGTV International house search while I’m headed to bed. She was not impressed that I knew Buddha never lived in Budapest.
  • The problem, as I see it, is split three ways and two of them are difficult to focus upon. But that’s just because I have trifocals.
  • I’m trying to design my own custom emoticon. How’s this? 8^)> … Looks like I’m lying down on the job. Accurate enough.
  • I was never cool. I never cared about being cool until now, and I am too cool. Most of the time. I think a cardigan will take care of it.
  • It’s really hard for me to pray for Jerry Sandusky. I know I should. My compromise is to pray for him 1/18th as much as for his 18 victims.
  • Truth is usually the first victim of extremism.
  • Something you didn’t know (or remember or want to) about me: About 17 years ago, I had two pet newts, Rockne and Gingrich.
  • I think I’m at least as qualified to run as the top three GOP candidates Herman Cain, Rick Perry, and uh … and uh ….
  • Open my eyes, Lord, like you did for Elisha’s servant … to see Your armies surrounding me on the hills, ready to fight for my soul.
  • Today I am yearning for heaven, where news coverage does not have to be saturated with items about inappropriate sexual touching.
  • I just realized that, once again, I am dressed to depress.
  • Long night. Anyone in LR know of a medical supply where I can rent an intravenous caffeine drip? Open early?
  • What’s going on? Hogs having a good season. Cowboys having a good season. #Luck? #Fate? #Karma? #Apocalypse?
  • We need to have a national election to finally determine the only “There’s nothing worse than ….” #canonlybeone
  • Well, if it was “needless to say,” then why did you say it? #inarguable
  • Sorry. I am self-diagnosed with Twitrette Syndrome. It’s like Tourette; it just comes out of my keyboarding fingers instead of my mouth.
  • I’ve been making some really poor decisions lately. (As my terrible scores in Bejeweled 2 will confirm.)
  • Now that Veteran’s/Palindrome Day is over, did you know that if you take today’s date and divide by 12345, the result has no significance?
  • I think I could enjoy hunting in the deer woods if only I could afford a really nice camera with a really long lens. #nogunsthanks
  • … untangled his daughter’s charm necklace without invoking any foreign gods or extraneous dimensions. And with only ten fingers.
  • Little Chocolate Donuts: Breakfast of Champions. Sadly, on my plate are Little Sugar-And-Cinnamon Donuts: Breakfast of Runners-Up.
  • Five nights later, my body has still not adusted to the end of Daylight Saving Time. #goodnight
  • If you use the wrong fork first, no one is going to excommunicate you from the Fellowship of Formal Dining. And if they do, their loss.
  • Yes, Alaska and Hawaii have interstate highways. It is not the fault of the federal government if you and your car can’t make connections.
  • I just wanted to be the first to use the word “turducken” and mention how unappetizing it sounds, starting with those first four letters.
  • I’m a pacifist. I’m a Christian. I am unabashedly grateful for all veterans whose consciences prevent war from becoming worse.
  • The question of soteriology – how God saves us – is not multiple-choice but yes-no. And God’s answer is “YES!” in Jesus Christ.
  • Monsters often have trouble distinguishing attraction from hunger. #stuffivelearnedfromhorrorflicks
  • Monsters are not good about cleaning up after themselves. #stuffivelearnedfromhorrorflicks
  • Don’t go in old castles or Victorian houses after dark. The odds are against you. And the really-odds, too. #stuffivelearnedfromhorrorflicks
  • Zombies can be either superhumanly strong or very fragile. No way to tell by looking. #stuffivelearnedfromhorrorflicks
  • Monsters will always kill the sort-of cute girl in the tank top first. #stuffivelearnedfromhorrorflicks
  • Monsters also really like it when you back away from them and cover your mouth with the back of your hand. #stuffivelearnedfromhorrorflicks
  • If anyone, at any time, says anything about their laboratory, run away. #stuffivelearnedfromhorrorflicks
  • Monsters like it when you scream. They’ll do anything to to get you to scream. Anything. #stuffivelearnedfromhorrorflicks
  • Don’t go into dark spooky places by yourself and then scream to scare your friends. #stuffivelearnedfromhorrorflicks
  • There’s nothing wrong with being right. But there’s a wrong way to be right. And I know I’m right about this because I’m never wrong. Right?
  • What you don’t know can hurt you … even kill you. But probably not until it has tortured you first.
  • Wednesday is the day I usually update my church’s Web sites. Today, their server is down. And I’ve done about all the other stuff I can do.
  • If it’s my party’s candidate, it’s media persecution; if it’s the other party’s candidate, he’s guilty til proven innocent. #CainMeetClinton
  • Here’s my plan for today: Get through it. (Disclaimer: This plan may or may not succeed in your personal circumstances.)
  • Here are my words of wisdom for today: Stop doing stupid stuff. And let me know if it’s possible, will you?
  • I don’t believe I can accept Jesus as my personal Savior. He’s the Savior of all God’s family. Now about my so-called “personal banker” ….
  • May I tactfully point out the painfully obvious flaw in the logic of your dearly-cherished prejudice? No? Well, never mind then.
  • Seriously? An ice cream truck patrolling our neighborhood? In November? … Well, at least it’s blaring “Turkey in the Straw.”
  • I would like to comment on Cowboys/Seahawks, but pictures, descriptions or content used without the NFL’s permission is prohibited.
  • Nothing like starting the day with a migraine to remind you how blessed the previous 10 days have been without one.
  • Workmen tidying up after siding installation. Hosting formal dinner at 6:00. Can you say #beattheclock ?
  • #MaxLucado says, like David, we can either face the giant or flea. I choose the flea.
  • Thinking of starting an Anti-Defamation League for the One Percenters … and having a fundraiser. Poor abused things.
  • So far, the most interesting thing that has happened to me today is writing this tweet. I live such a wild and crazy life. Envy me.
  • I’m sorry, but all braincells are currently busy. Please hold your query until one is available. Thank you for your patience.
  • Given the choice of being taken prisoner by the Kardashians or the Cardassians, I’d choose the latter.
  • Criminy. I forgot the next apocalypse was October 23 (21?) and totally missed it. Anybody absent? Raptured? Hold up your hand if you were.
  • You’ll be glad to know I’m working on a new book. I thought I’d start with the binding.
  • I’m so old I can remember when Disney channel used KC’s “Get Down Tonight” and altered a line to “Do a little dance | make a little flub…”
  • Total depravity – embraced one way or another by Calvinism and Arminianism – sounds to me like an elaborate excuse for bad behavior.
  • I’m using my “Skip A Day” pass for Twitter today. What? It’s only good for Mitchum Deodorant? Well, forget it then. I’m posting this.
  • You know, the joy of worshiping God is either in your heart or it’s not … whether you like the song, the message, the leader — or not.
  • 17 million Americans are clinically depressed. I’m guessing they all watch the morning news.

It has been said that all of these are moot points, and I would find it difficult to disagree. However, if you would like to experience them as they spring unbidden to the three pounds of goat cheese known as my brain and thence to my keyboard, all you have to do is follow keith_brenton at Twitter.com.

Yet More Maxims of Methuselah Moot

Methuselah MootRobert Heinlein chronicled a far-flung future’s The Notebooks of Lazarus Long; a few years later, David Gerrold responded with the often-hilarious and equally-irreverent Sayings of Solomon Short. That was all years ago, so I have decided at last to reveal Yet More Maxims of Methuselah Moot (although some of them go back as far as the Roman philosopher-humorist Locquacius Rudimentus).

It is merely coincidental that most if not all are 140 characters or less.

  • Now watching the original Disney “Fantasia” – a long-time Halloween tradition. “Night on Bald Mountain” fading into “Ave Maria.” Awesome.
  • I’ve been watching AMC’s 2009 re-visioning of the 1966 Brit series “The Prisoner.” Nothing is more scary than being unable to discern truth.
  • #thatawkwardmoment when rolling a pumpkin downhill on the street is not the harmless prank you thought as it bowls over two toddler fairies.
  • #thatawkwardmoment when you realize that the two folks in police costumes at the door are there about the party noise, not to accept Neccos.
  • #thatawkwardmoment when you compliment a mom with kids at your door with “Nice witch costume!” and she growls back: “What costume?”
  • #thatawkwardmoment when you run out of Halloween candy in the middle of a group of costumed teens, any of whom is big enough to take you.
  • #thatawkwardmoment when you tap someone on the shoulder who is paused at the wrought-iron fence reading the “Beware of the Thing” sign.
  • #thatawkwardmoment when the door’s answered by a lady in a scant dominatrix costume telling your kids, “You wanna treat? Roll over and beg.”
  • Somebody tell me again how dressing up to look like someone we’re not and demanding treats on Halloween is different from any other day…?
  • #thatawkwardmoment in the back of the squad car when you realize an orange jumpsuit was not your best choice as a Halloween costume.
  • #thatawkwardmoment when you told her it was the most terrifying Halloween wig you’d ever seen and she said it was her new $70 do.
  • #thatawkwardmoment when you really outdid yourself on your Halloween costume and you showed up the only one costumed.
  • #thatawkwardmoment when you try to return your Halloween costume on November 1 … even though you have a receipt.
  • #thatawkwardmoment when your cup of fogging Halloween brew turns out to have a chip of dry ice in it that freezes your lips together.
  • #thatawkwardmoment after you put on your Halloween costume and someone asks you “Why didn’t you wear a costume?”
  • Anyone who plays God should be prepared to lose. It’s not that He cheats ; He just holds all the cards.
  • #thatawkwardmoment when you’re all hyped for Halloween, watching the Charlie Brown cartoon, and pass out when the Great Pumpkin rises.
  • #thatawkwardmoment when you’re chatting about horror flicks and can’t remember Michael Myers from Jason Voorhees. Or their last names.
  • #thatawkwardmoment at the Halloween bash when you realize none of these young kids know what a Klingon is – and they’re in their 20s & 30s.
  • #thatawkwardmoment when you’ve told your mom you want to be a hobo for Halloween; she rolls you up in a brown rug because she heard “HoHo.”
  • If you gave me a gift, how would you feel if I said, “Oh, I really want and need this. But I can’t. Could I just work for you and earn it?”
  • Pugsley had a solution to the problem of both protestors and Wall Street … if he could just get the trajectory right.
  • Wednesday was sure that there was a person inside the big purple dinosaur, but could be surgically removed without either one surviving.
  • By the end of the episode, neither Elvira nor Morticia could be persuaded to “Say Yes to the Dress.”
  • Many dining establishments are now serving food with sea salt, where the word “sea” is a synonym for “way too much.”
  • You couldn’t pay me enough to be President. Wouldn’t do it. Not for all the money we owe China.
  • Trying Dunkin Donuts’ Pumpkin Spice coffee, the home brew version, this morning. Liking it. Liking it very much.
  • Now everyone will start noticing there’s no basketball. I like basketball. I liked it a lot more when it was a game rather than an industry.
  • McRib … probably the scariest thing about Halloween.
  • Say you went shopping for a religion. Would you be more impressed by those who were smart about their faith – or those who lived it well?
  • You know, when they create a tv series called “CSI Cleveland,” it’s time to euthanize the franchise.
  • Are there still teams playing baseball? For cryin’ out loud, it’s nearly November! Are they waiting for snow to stop them?
  • The Aflac duck has looked delicious to me for some time … but I’ve come to favor shooting the Major Medical pigeon on general principles.
  • Or possibly so that they will conclude I am not loaded yet, but would like to be.
  • I’ve decided that I want my personal logo to be an animated spinning spokewheel … so people will get impatient with me and give up on me.
  • Whenever Buddhism starts sounding attractive to me, I just assume a lotus position and try not to think about it.
  • I’m awake. I’m up. I can’t say I’m real happy about it.
  • I think it’s hysterical when you run Windows Update and click to restart and get a message: “Can’t shut down. Windows Update still running.”
  • I apologize for my previous (and incomplete) tweet; there is really no excuse or justification for my inexplicable lack of planning and fore
  • I must truly and deeply express my regret that the final part of this tweet will not be able to appear due to the inordinate amount of chara
  • But I’m not lost! I’m exploring. And enjoying the scenery. (So chill out, willya?)
  • “I’m not sure I agree with you.” (Actually, I’m pretty sure you’re dead wrong, but this sounds nicer.) #whatwesay #whatwemean
  • Henry David Thoreau said most men lead lives of quiet desperation. The Apostle Paul recommended a life of quiet inspiration (1 Ths. 4:9-12).
  • I love a bowl of McCann’s Irish Oatmeal with a dollop of apricot preserves on top. But tonight, it’s blackberry. Just as good.
  • Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. Pop flies don’t like an outfielder. #worldserieshumor
  • I believe that all of my prayers are answered – perhaps not the way (or as soon as) I would like/expect – but always answered.
  • Pretend that Christ comes to your church this morning. Nobody talks about Him. Nobody sings about Him. Would He feel welcome?
  • Pretend you have never stepped into your church before. You don’t know anyone. You don’t know what’s going on. Would you feel welcome?
  • Beware the candidate who promises lower taxes and less government but has been happy to accept a paycheck as governor or congressman.
  • When his assistant told him she would kill for a promotion like his, he didn’t take her literally. #grimtweets
  • On the other hand, he should have known better to buy a designer necktie made of hemp by an outfit named Neuse. #grimtweets
  • “You would think that, among so many thousands of them – more or less – that one nuclear warhead wouldn’t matter,” he reasoned. #grimtweets
  • Henbane or hemlock? She stroked her pointed chin, not remembering. In the end, it probably didn’t matter. In the end. #grimtweets
  • The Antarctic outpost was exactly like the way he had seen it in his premonitional dream … except for one Thing …. #grimtweets
  • Standing outside it, Ted wondered why anyone would go in it. He didn’t know that outside or in didn’t matter to this house. #grimtweets
  • Skipping over the grave’s freshly-turned dirt, the last thing Sally expected was to feel her ankle grabbed. The very last thing. #grimtweets
  • Encased in a huge block of transparent Lucite, the gorgeous young woman looked very lifelike. Especially when she blinked. #grimtweets
  • “It’s midnight,” they urged the mysterious ball guest. “Won’t you take off that ugly Death mask?” “What mask?” #grimtweets @mike_the_eyeguy
  • Racing his motor, Dean estimated whether the old lady in front of him would get a cross. She did; a white one. #grimtweets @mike_the_eyeguy
  • “I’m not sure I’m ready for that kind of commitment.” – Dr. Victor Friese, en route to Arkham Asylum. #grimtweets @mike_the_eyeguy
  • “As it turns out, the way to a man’s heart CAN be his stomach.” – Sadie “The Surgeon” Stitcher #grimtweets @mike_the_eyeguy
  • “In retrospect, it was not a priority that foredeck passengers have fresh ice.” Capt. Edward Smith, RMS Titanic #grimtweets @mike_the_eyeguy
  • Any idiot can rail against something. (I’ve proven this by example.) But it takes a lot more courage to stand FOR something … or Someone.
  • Toughest marching orders ever: “This is my commandment, that ye love one another, even as I have loved you.” – John 15:12
  • What is so difficult about Matthew 24:36 and 25:13 for Harold Camping to understand? “You do not know the day or hour….”
  • My cat and dog always get a handout as Angi makes a turkey sandwich for my son’s lunch. He doesn’t have class on Friday. They’re devastated.
  • It doesn’t take an advanced degree in biblical studies to see that what the Bible is talking about is loving God and others more than self.
  • I don’t want to be known as the guy who put the “mental” in “judgmental.”
  • Is it possible? That I will never again have to worry about how to spell Khadaffi / Qadaffi / Ghaddafy?
  • I never got a do-over on that last tweet and now this one’s turning out to be just as pointless.
  • I would like a do-over on this tweet because I didn’t get it right the first time.
  • It would seem that, for me, every glass is a dribble glass.
  • Romney and Perry last night: What Aunt Eller said about Curly and Judd Fry out in the smokehouse.
  • I am a little bit slysdexic.
  • Here is the task, as I see it, faced in preaching… “Churches of Christ and the Challenge of Preaching” goo.gl/47N9U
  • Rain awakens. First thought: You know what made David a man after God’s own heart? He forgave Saul over and over. Just like God forgives.
  • I can’t take seriously anyone who proclaims that they KNOW a certain person is condemned to hell. God gave them a peek at Judgment Day …?
  • God was at work in many churches yesterday. He’s also at work in many homes and workplaces today.
  • You can flail away at the straw man all you want, but as soon as you put a name and face on it, you appear mean-spirited AND stupid.
  • God was at work in many churches today. (But you can still reach Him at home.)
  • I was thinking of creating an event on Facebook and Twitter called “Occupy Time Better.” But I’d have to give up Facebook and Twitter.
  • Two of the most vanishingly uncommon commodities of the 21st century are common sense and common courtesy.
  • Angi and I decided our kids and pets would know they are not the center of our lives. The kids know it’s Christ. The pets are a challenge.
  • Third cable outage of the day. I think there should be legislation permitting customers to pro-rate their bills, deducting offline time.
  • How about making tax breaks available only to companies whose best-paid employee’s total comp. package exceeds the least by 100x or less?
  • Too often we assume that when two theories are oppositional, one must be right and the other wrong. They could BOTH be wrong.
  • I don’t believe God has to obey Bishop Ussher or Charles Darwin when it comes to the way and duration of His creative process.
  • “I was technophobic before technophobia was cool.” – the last known tweet* of Henry David Thoreau (*disputed, due to pre-Y2K servers)
  • My theory is that the zombie myth got started when someone saw a person like me getting out of bed before coffee was invented.
  • Not sure about my Mac. It just installed 3 updates, displaying a “Cleaning up…” message for a long time. But my office is still dirty.
  • Friends come and go. Power is fleeting. Wealth may desert you. I just want cookies.
  • Forgive my Restoration roots, but where’s the book, chapter and verse in the Koran that authorizes blowing up people with your underwear?
  • Does it astound you that the Creator of the universe, almighty God, everlasting Father, hears your prayer and seeks you as child and friend?
  • “Plain burger. Just a patty and bun.” WHAT IS SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND ABOUT THAT? #BKdrivethruworkersatmentalvmax
  • Passed too many one-handed drivers on cellphones in rain today. Good news for body shops, hospitals and mortuaries. Not so much for others.
  • There should be no /s in the body, but its parts should have = concern for each other. – 1 Cor 12:25 #biblemath
  • Faith + goodness + knowledge + self-control + perseverance + godliness + brotherly kindness + love. – 2 Peter 1:5-7 #biblemath
  • (Christ) was sacrificed x 1 to – the (sins) of many people. – Hebrews 9:28 #biblemath
  • The one who is in you is > the one who is in the world. – 1 John 4:4 // God is > our hearts. – 1 John 3:20 #biblemath
  • Two passages that give me pause when I think that someone seeking benevolence is actually scamming: 1 Corinthians 6:7 and Matthew 5:40-42.
  • So the Senate rejected the jobs bill. You know, firing these 100 people might actually improve unemployment.
  • I wonder if the murderous interplanetary spree of Redjack started when H.G. Wells dispersed him from the time machine in 1979 San Francisco?
  • Ever been sent a friend request by Facebook User? I’ve seen some of the comments made by Facebook User, and I’m not eager to accept.
  • Sure it’ll do 88 in a mall parking lot, fly in a thunderstorm and travel through time. But can you still get parts for it?
  • Forcryinoutloud does she have to smack her lips and romp on the bed all night? (The cat, that is. Angi’s out of town.)
  • I have restless, questing mind. I wonder things … like, “Did Morticia Addams knit scarves for Dr. Who when Cousin Crimp had enough?”
  • Could you tell the voices inside your head to speak more softly? The voices inside my head can’t hear each other. Thanks.
  • Had something witty and sweet to tweet, but by the time I remembered what it was, it wasn’t all that witty or sweet. So this is all you get.
  • Daughter @lauralbren has written her favorite verses in dry-erase on her mirror. Each day she gets ready and sees herself reflected in them.
  • I just can’t seem to follow the thread of this discussion. Oh, wait; this is #Twitter.
  • There is objective truth … and there is subjective interpretation. When we cannot tell the difference between them, we’re deceived.
  • Don’t mean to state the obvious, but when you post something everyone already knows is true, you’re stating the obvious. #obviously
  • I wish @TravelingMead would write books. I wish he had a publisher named Wensch, whom I could call and implore “More Mead, Wensch!”
  • If Christianity is only about living a Christ-like life to the glory of God, how can that be the same as anything else?
  • If Christianity is only about helping those in need, how is that different from a registered charity?
  • If Christianity is only about evangelism and saving people to save other people, how is that different from a pyramid scheme?
  • Think I’ll bill Bank of America $5 a month for insulting my intelligence and favoring stockholders over customers. They’re not even my bank.
  • I am a geek. I am enjoying “Pirates of Silicon Valley” on #TNT.
  • I’m not sure Steve Jobs was successful as a Buddhist. How could so many incredible somethings come from a mind full of emptiness?
  • Steve Jobs is dead. I am saddened. I feel the way I felt in fourth grade when I heard that Walt Disney had died. Now innovation is up to us.
  • What do we learn from Gog and Magog (Rev. 20)? Trust God to bring the fire.
  • What do we learn from Ananias and Sapphira (Acts 2-5)? Trust God to bring the fire. Don’t let it go out. Don’t try to bring your own.
  • What do we learn from Nadab and Abihu (Lev. 9:24-10:2)? Trust God to bring the fire. Don’t let it go out. Don’t try to bring your own.
  • Can you be happy and not know it? And is it okay to clap your hands anyway?
  • Went home sick but still working a little. Took decongestant and a big steamy bowl of cafe au lait.
  • I don’t feel good and I have all of the personal charm of a pit viper. This is after coffee. Not good.
  • Surprised that Spain doesn’t build hi-mileage cars. When they built sailing ships, they’d get 20-30,000 miles per galleon. #oldjokerecycled
  • My education: Currently pursuing a course in Life Studies at the University of Soft Knocks (Matt. 7:7; Luke 11:9; Rev. 3:20).
  • How can I expect a fantasy football team to win when they won’t do their two-a-days, dress out or even run laps? #troubledfantasy
  • I’m so grateful for what I have – but sometimes I look at Angi and wish we could have met 15 years earlier and shared those years, too.
  • What would it take to persuade you that you have more value than you know? What if I told you God loves you so much that Jesus died for you?
  • What would it take to persuade you that you have more value than you know? A haunting from Christmas Spirits Past, Present, and Future?
  • What would it take to persuade you that you have more value than you know? A visit from Clarence Oddbody?
  • I should not be this excited that Discovery’s HD Theater channel is becoming the all-car channel Velocity. But I am.
  • When my back and knees hurt, I prefer to think of my peculiar gait as performance art. #ministeroffunnywalks
  • Where does your cosmology come from: “Big Bang Theory” or “Third Rock from the Sun”?
  • My sense of humor has finally graduated from sophomoric to junioric. (Though some might say this post contradicts that.)
  • Running really is for people being chased down as food or chasing down food.

It has been said that all of these are moot points, and I would find it difficult to disagree. However, if you would like to experience them as they spring unbidden to my semi-consciousness and thence to my keyboard, all you have to do is follow keith_brenton at Twitter.com.

More Maxims of Methuselah Moot

Methuselah MootRobert Heinlein chronicled a far-flung future’s The Notebooks of Lazarus Long; a few years later, David Gerrold responded with the often-hilarious and equally-irreverent Sayings of Solomon Short. That was all years ago, so I have decided at last to reveal More Maxims of Methuselah Moot (although some of them go back as far as the Greek philosopher-humorist Idontwantnunades).

It is merely coincidental that most if not all are 140 characters or less.

  • I always like getting the last word. Tonight I thought I’d be generous and share it: zyzzyva. You’re welcome.
  • Because of the prior claim staked by the public relations field on the initials “P.R.,” political rhetoric may now be abbreviated “B.S.”
  • Is the sudden surge of sea salt-seasoned foods threatening the salinity of oceans & all life in them? I think #theonion should investigate.
  • #quickbio Carrie Nation: a healthy-sized 19th-20th Century gal who got really hacked off about alcohol abuse.
  • I don’t want to want stuff but I want stuff more than I want to not want stuff so I have more stuff than I want but I want even more stuff.
  • I admire the spunk of all you folks Meeting at the Pole this morning. But it’s, like, 4000 miles to the Pole and I’ve got to get to work.
  • I want a “Life is Good” t-shirt. But I want it to say, “Life is Pretty Good. Afterlife is Better.”
  • You have an American, God-given right to be as afraid as you want to be. But perfect love beats fear every time.
  • For some reason, the song that won’t leave my head today is “Amazing Grace” … to the tune of “House of the Rising Sun.” And I like it.
  • I think it’s getting easier for me to see others as people Jesus died for. Until they get behind the wheel of a car. Still working on that.
  • I’m watching educational TV (AFV). I learned: If it involves a ramp & bike, ladder, tree & chainsaw, or panel-side pool … don’t do it.
  • I don’t want to brag, but social networking online was originally my idea. It’s just that ElbowBook never took off. #soclose
  • Just in: NASA Launches Fall Season With Falling Satellite / Hopes to Reach One In 3,800 With Personal Reminder
  • Aw, heck, CERN; I’ve received neutrinos the past few years that I haven’t even fired from my accelerator yet. That’s just neutrinos for ya.
  • Working on my aluminum foil skullcap for tomorrow – protection from the falling satellite and the invasion of telepathic aliens after. #2fer
  • I’d like advance warning when it’s “Turn Left in Front of Oncoming Traffic Day.” (Three times on the way to work.)
  • Cannibalism in the Bible: “If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.” – Gal. 5:15
  • Do I become irrelevant if I confess that Facebook’s changes don’t matter to me at all? Or was I already irrelevant?
  • If I quit Twitter, Facebook, and Google+ … would I even miss me? Schizophrenic minds want to know.
  • Looking forward to being merged with a falling NASA satellite Friday like the hapless Rick from “Northern Exposure.”
  • To divide the church is to deny reality; Christ prayed/gave His Spirit to make us one. We need only maintain that reality, bonded in peace.
  • It was on a tree in Eden that death hung disguised as the fruit of knowledge, and on a crosstree of death that Life bore the fruit of love.
  • Not sure I’m up for today. Let me check. Yeah, I’m out of bed and standing. I guess I am up for today.
  • Grace and obedience are opposite sides of the same coin. We obey out of gratitude for grace. We show grace to others by obedience.
  • “Oh, I’ve got the wrong number.” “That’s okay. I always slept through the numbers part of ‘Sesame Street,’ too.”
  • “Oh, I’ve called the wrong person.” “No, I’m always right. If you’re looking for the wrong person, let me connect you to my ex.”
  • “Oh, I’ve got the wrong number.” “Well, maybe, but I wouldn’t attach too much moral significance to a string of numerals.”
  • “Oh, I’ve called the wrong number.” “Well, if you knew it was the wrong number, why did you call it?”
  • “Oh, I must have the wrong number.” “Well, if it’s something you must have, this is certainly the wrong number.”
  • Thomas Edison’s actual words on the first telephone call: “What’s up? Comb hair. I need jute.” #crazyoldguy #poorsoundquality
  • Pondering John the Baptist. Think about it: if you wore camel’s hair and ate bugs you’d probably be alone out crying in the wilderness, too.
  • Hats off to worldwise little ones who want to wear rubber boots even when it’s not raining. You never know when you might step in something.
  • Some minister friends defend their shaved heads: “Try it; you’ll never go back.” But I don’t buy that “once-shaved, always-shaved” stuff.
  • I shot a 44 on the first nine holes, but the golf course folks shooed me away and said next time I should bring clubs and balls, not a gun.
  • The way people bring us their extra snack food at the church office, you’d think we were all starving and indigent. #nothardly
  • I was an odd child. Which is totally unfair; it should have been my older and younger sisters who were odd. They were born first and third.
  • I should have my own HGTV show: “How To Do All Those Things Around The House That You’ll Never Do Because You’re Too Busy Watching HGTV.”
  • A useful phrase for parents of pre-teens: “How many ways would like to hear me say ‘no’?”
  • It may not be a scripturally-sustainable philosophy, but if the world could end at any moment, why not go ahead and have the cheese dip?
  • This is my favorite time of day: when I am feeling so overwhemed that I just sit back, relax, and pretend that I don’t exist.
  • I’ve heard it said, “This is no time to panic!” But what better time is there to panic than when reality is crashing down all around you?
  • How many people are we believers hoping to win to the love of Christ by acting like total jerks today?
  • If you have time to talk in depth about Madonna and hydrangeas, you may have too much time on your hands.
  • Making fun of Social Security is easy for rich people. For the rest, it’s the only security they have in a world where they are expendable.
  • I am the object at rest which tends to stay at rest. Upholding Newton’s Law 1a is my life. I don’t know about 1b or motion, just resting.
  • I mean if someone has spent a lifetime living hell-bent on being hellbound, will God not grant what that one has desired and lived for?
  • In the end, love wins. God wins. But that does not necessarily mean that He gets everything He wants. (Which sounds pretty selfish, really.)
  • There’s a significant percentage of my time on Twitter and Facebook that is enabled by Windows Update and Apple Software Update. Just FYI.
  • I have a new marketing motto for the folks at Huffington Post: “You Heard It First … Somewhere Else.”
  • Exhaling is the last thing I’d want to do.

It has been said that all of these are moot points, and I would find it difficult to disagree. However, if you would like to experience them as they are revealed by the great cosmic consciousness known as the Flying Spaghetti Monster, all you have to do is follow keith_brenton at Twitter.com.

The Maxims of Methuselah Moot

Methuselah Moot

Robert Heinlein chronicled a far-flung future’s The Notebooks of Lazarus Long; a few years later, David Gerrold responded with the often-hilarious and equally-irreverent Sayings of Solomon Short. That was all years ago, so I have decided at last to reveal The Maxims of Methuselah Moot (although some of them go back as far as the Greek philosopher-humorist Mediocrites).

It is merely coincidental that most if not all are 140 characters or less.

  • Lads, here’s a good rule of thumb: Never date a girl whose voice is deeper than yours.
  • So I asked Voldemort “What’s it like being dead this time?” He didn’t say anything, so either he’s very ticked off or it’s a lot more final.
  • Sometimes the kindest thing you can say is nothing. Especially when you’re angry. But also when someone else is hurting. And you’re angry. (This one may have been inspired by Jack Handey.)
  • Has anyone let Sarah Palin know that if she’s ever elected President, she would be expected to actually do the job?
  • Actually, Donald Trump was the first to offer a jobs plan: “You’re fired!”
  • I’m not a drinkin’ man, but if a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster would alleviate the way I feel this morning, I’d risk it.
  • There is no opinion so stupid that you can’t reply “Well, of all the points of view there are in the world, yours is certainly one of them.”
  • There is nothing so rare as a day in June (except in June) unless it’s a steaklet in a French restaurant.
  • The art of mosaic isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
  • Indecisiveness isn’t as bad as all that — and yet it is, and much worse, sometimes.
  • With each passing year, my skills in advanced narcolepsy become even more acute.
  • If I had it all to do over again … aaah, I probably wouldn’t live to be 112, so what’s the point?
  • Hey, folks. Install a window in your paradigm, okay?
  • If you cross a chocolate lab with a maltese, do you get a chocolate malt?
  • Today’s earthquake near the District of Columbia has confirmed the existence of the legendary Congressional Fault.
  • There is a beverage that seemeth sweet to a man, but the aftertaste thereof is bitterness to the soul.
  • I’d buy myself some ginko biloba if I thought I could remember to take it.
  • You go ahead and have a fun night. I’m tired enough for both of us and can turn in early. You’re welcome.
  • The way to a man’s heart is through his accelerator pedal foot. Cardiologists have known this for years. All women should.
  • Surely there can be no computers in heaven, for Gabriel himself would lose his soul at their mischief. All the more reason to yearn for it.
  • Some like Cutter’s Point; some like High Point. But my favorite brand of decaf coffee is Whats-the Point.
  • Like Howard the Duck, we are all trapped in a world we never made. Well, okay, we made some of it … worse. But it’s not all Cleveland.
  • Thinking about calling my dentist to see if he could schedule me in today for a couple of hours of soft music and gas.
  • I gave up worrying — or thought I had, until I caught myself worrying that I wasn’t worrying enough.
  • The most tragic oxymoron of all: “holy war.”
  • There are two types of people in the world: Those who finish what they start
  • Well, here I am sitting on my bottom with a headache. But at least I’m not sitting on someone else’s bottom with their headache.
  • In addition to a “Dislike” button … has anyone approached Facebook about adding a “Don’t Care” button?
  • How many Mad Hatters does a Tea Party need?
  • I appreciate air conditioning. I’m not a big fan of big fans.
  • Yay. The debt ceiling hike passed. Now we can spend more money than we have for a little while longer before China forecloses on US. Yay.
  • I just bit my tongue. I’d have bitten someone else’s, but I was by myself.

Well, that’s just a sampling of The Maxims of Methuselah Moot that you’ve missed last month by not following keith_brenton on Twitter, ’cause I share them there almost as fast as I receive through the ol’ neurotransmitters (unless I happen to remember my aluminum-foil skullcap and can avoid them).