No, my blog hasn’t been hacked. This is really me posting, and I would like to stop being a jerk now.
I would like to stop being so opinionated, so convinced of my own rightness, so judgmental and condescending and achingly starved for affirmation that I will stop letting it all boil out of me like pungent acid onto everyone I encounter.
I know deep down that it’s going to cost me the luxury of making snide comments at others’ expense which strike me as funny … and correcting and belittling them … and getting the credit for some things I might have actually done right.
And the whole thought of it just gives me the willies and sends an icy sharp pang of panic down my spine.
Because I have tried before and failed.
The truth is, what I’m wanting to give up is exactly who I am. And that is never something that should be considered or done lightly.
I want to be Someone else, but since I can’t be, I want to be open to Him through His Spirit. I want to be like Him. I want to give Him full use of not only hands and feet but heart and head and mouth.
That is not who I am, and it frightens me all the way to the center of my empty pointless self to admit it.
I want so much to be able to do it myself, and I can’t because I’m empty. It isn’t within me. I need help.
Because I am too often blind and deaf to the things He shows and says to me, I need your help.
I need you to tell me when I am still being a jerk.
I need you let me know when I am not funny but judgmental and unloving and selfish and cruel.
I mean it. Even if I melt in a puddle. I need to know.
Because I can’t trust me anymore.
I am a jerk.
And I don’t want to be a jerk anymore.