Robert Heinlein chronicled a far-flung future’s The Notebooks of Lazarus Long; a few years later, David Gerrold responded with the often-hilarious and equally-irreverent Sayings of Solomon Short. That was all years ago, so I have decided at last to reveal More Maxims of Methuselah Moot (although some of them go back as far as the Greek philosopher-humorist Idontwantnunades).

It is merely coincidental that most if not all are 140 characters or less.

• I always like getting the last word. Tonight I thought I’d be generous and share it: zyzzyva. You’re welcome.
• Because of the prior claim staked by the public relations field on the initials “P.R.,” political rhetoric may now be abbreviated “B.S.”
• Is the sudden surge of sea salt-seasoned foods threatening the salinity of oceans & all life in them? I think #theonion should investigate.
• #quickbio Carrie Nation: a healthy-sized 19th-20th Century gal who got really hacked off about alcohol abuse.
• I don’t want to want stuff but I want stuff more than I want to not want stuff so I have more stuff than I want but I want even more stuff.
• I admire the spunk of all you folks Meeting at the Pole this morning. But it’s, like, 4000 miles to the Pole and I’ve got to get to work.
• I want a “Life is Good” t-shirt. But I want it to say, “Life is Pretty Good. Afterlife is Better.”
• You have an American, God-given right to be as afraid as you want to be. But perfect love beats fear every time.
• For some reason, the song that won’t leave my head today is “Amazing Grace” … to the tune of “House of the Rising Sun.” And I like it.
• I think it’s getting easier for me to see others as people Jesus died for. Until they get behind the wheel of a car. Still working on that.
• I’m watching educational TV (AFV). I learned: If it involves a ramp & bike, ladder, tree & chainsaw, or panel-side pool … don’t do it.
• I don’t want to brag, but social networking online was originally my idea. It’s just that ElbowBook never took off. #soclose
• Just in: NASA Launches Fall Season With Falling Satellite / Hopes to Reach One In 3,800 With Personal Reminder
• Aw, heck, CERN; I’ve received neutrinos the past few years that I haven’t even fired from my accelerator yet. That’s just neutrinos for ya.
• Working on my aluminum foil skullcap for tomorrow – protection from the falling satellite and the invasion of telepathic aliens after. #2fer
• I’d like advance warning when it’s “Turn Left in Front of Oncoming Traffic Day.” (Three times on the way to work.)
• Cannibalism in the Bible: “If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.” – Gal. 5:15
• Do I become irrelevant if I confess that Facebook’s changes don’t matter to me at all? Or was I already irrelevant?
• If I quit Twitter, Facebook, and Google+ … would I even miss me? Schizophrenic minds want to know.
• Looking forward to being merged with a falling NASA satellite Friday like the hapless Rick from “Northern Exposure.”
• To divide the church is to deny reality; Christ prayed/gave His Spirit to make us one. We need only maintain that reality, bonded in peace.
• It was on a tree in Eden that death hung disguised as the fruit of knowledge, and on a crosstree of death that Life bore the fruit of love.
• Not sure I’m up for today. Let me check. Yeah, I’m out of bed and standing. I guess I am up for today.
• Grace and obedience are opposite sides of the same coin. We obey out of gratitude for grace. We show grace to others by obedience.
• “Oh, I’ve got the wrong number.” “That’s okay. I always slept through the numbers part of ‘Sesame Street,’ too.”
• “Oh, I’ve called the wrong person.” “No, I’m always right. If you’re looking for the wrong person, let me connect you to my ex.”
• “Oh, I’ve got the wrong number.” “Well, maybe, but I wouldn’t attach too much moral significance to a string of numerals.”
• “Oh, I’ve called the wrong number.” “Well, if you knew it was the wrong number, why did you call it?”
• “Oh, I must have the wrong number.” “Well, if it’s something you must have, this is certainly the wrong number.”
• Thomas Edison’s actual words on the first telephone call: “What’s up? Comb hair. I need jute.” #crazyoldguy #poorsoundquality
• Pondering John the Baptist. Think about it: if you wore camel’s hair and ate bugs you’d probably be alone out crying in the wilderness, too.
• Hats off to worldwise little ones who want to wear rubber boots even when it’s not raining. You never know when you might step in something.
• Some minister friends defend their shaved heads: “Try it; you’ll never go back.” But I don’t buy that “once-shaved, always-shaved” stuff.
• I shot a 44 on the first nine holes, but the golf course folks shooed me away and said next time I should bring clubs and balls, not a gun.
• The way people bring us their extra snack food at the church office, you’d think we were all starving and indigent. #nothardly
• I was an odd child. Which is totally unfair; it should have been my older and younger sisters who were odd. They were born first and third.
• I should have my own HGTV show: “How To Do All Those Things Around The House That You’ll Never Do Because You’re Too Busy Watching HGTV.”
• A useful phrase for parents of pre-teens: “How many ways would like to hear me say ‘no’?”
• It may not be a scripturally-sustainable philosophy, but if the world could end at any moment, why not go ahead and have the cheese dip?
• This is my favorite time of day: when I am feeling so overwhemed that I just sit back, relax, and pretend that I don’t exist.
• I’ve heard it said, “This is no time to panic!” But what better time is there to panic than when reality is crashing down all around you?
• How many people are we believers hoping to win to the love of Christ by acting like total jerks today?
• If you have time to talk in depth about Madonna and hydrangeas, you may have too much time on your hands.
• Making fun of Social Security is easy for rich people. For the rest, it’s the only security they have in a world where they are expendable.
• I am the object at rest which tends to stay at rest. Upholding Newton’s Law 1a is my life. I don’t know about 1b or motion, just resting.
• I mean if someone has spent a lifetime living hell-bent on being hellbound, will God not grant what that one has desired and lived for?
• In the end, love wins. God wins. But that does not necessarily mean that He gets everything He wants. (Which sounds pretty selfish, really.)
• There’s a significant percentage of my time on Twitter and Facebook that is enabled by Windows Update and Apple Software Update. Just FYI.
• I have a new marketing motto for the folks at Huffington Post: “You Heard It First … Somewhere Else.”
• Exhaling is the last thing I’d want to do.

It has been said that all of these are moot points, and I would find it difficult to disagree. However, if you would like to experience them as they are revealed by the great cosmic consciousness known as the Flying Spaghetti Monster, all you have to do is follow keith_brenton at Twitter.com.