Still Yet More Maxims of Methuselah Moot

Methuselah MootRobert Heinlein chronicled a far-flung future’s The Notebooks of Lazarus Long; a few years later, David Gerrold responded with the often-hilarious and equally-irreverent Sayings of Solomon Short. That was all years ago, so I have decided at last to reveal Still Yet More Maxims of Methuselah Moot (although some of them go back as far as the Greek philosopher-humorist Eurippadese Eumendadese).

It is possibly coincidental that most if not all are 140 characters or less.

  • I’m so old I can still remember when a television was also a piece of furniture.
  • I don’t care whether you wish me a Merry Xmas, Christmas, Happy Holidays, Kwanzaa or Hanukkah. I love you and hope your season’s great!
  • Finished “The Shack” last night. Recalculating.
  • Have you noticed that in the advertising for all those iPads and tablets, nobody uses the positioning line “It’s like a big ol’ Palm Pilot”?
  • I’ve avoided entering the ministry thus far in life … mostly due to the fear of being changed from Free Moral Agent to Cheap Moral Agent.
  • Note to self: Don’t try to be too chummy with God today, okay? (Isaiah 55:8-9)
  • Can we really trust St. Nick? According to the commercials, he builds Mercedes-Benz … but he sells Chevrolets. #sleighworknotenough?
  • I kinda skipped the news over the holiday weekend … who’s the new GOP Presidential Flavor-Of-The-Week?
  • If I were a character in a J.K. Rowling “Harry Potter” novel, I’m afraid I would be named “Pudgewort.” #thanksgivingaftermath
  • I would like to shop on Cyber Monday, but I don’t want my computer to get pepper-sprayed or knocked unconscious by ‘Net police ….
  • Can I just honestly tell you I don’t know all the answers … partly because I’m not sure about all of the questions? No? Well, never mind.
  • This morning in class I’m substitute teaching on Mark 13 – the chapter where I once lost my faith (along with Matt. 24, Luke 9, 17 & 21).
  • No, no. It’s okay. Don’t mind me. Just go on with your posting. I’ve got a magazine.
  • I think the chief requirement for being a sports color commentator is a penchant for stating the obvious by using an obfuscating metaphor.
  • Bet that Aflac duck could be prepared for a more appropriate career by the chefs at P.F. Chang’s ….
  • Well, just hate me now. I kinda like Nickelback. And some other greasy shiftless rock bands that remind me of Black Oak Arkansas.
  • My first Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade in hi-def. It’s like being there, but warmer.
  • All of you have something to be thankful for: that I was not cast in a “Twilight” movie, and you don’t have to see me without a shirt on.
  • I am thankful that I am not any more stupid than I am.
  • I know it’s a little early, but … anyone making plans for Festivus yet?
  • I’m really not hard to please at the Thanksgiving table …or any other table. I like anything with calories. The more calories, the better.
  • I hadn’t used the WinXP desktop in my office for about a month. I am now downloading & installing 123 high-priority updates. Est.: 1 hr. 22.
  • I wasn’t going to say anything, but our Christmas tree’s skirt makes its hips look big.
  • My dog has been worrying his black fur so much this week that it looks like a puppy exploded on the living room floor.
  • 140 characters in search of meaning and popularity. Used to be Twitter. Now it’s the Republican presidential candidate array.
  • Wish I could afford to Shop for Small Business this Saturday. I’d like to buy a hobby shop.
  • I think it’s a sign that I’ve watched too much TV recently when I wish the blonde lady from the Target commercials could get a life.
  • An iPhone is a great source of informational illumination … especially when in a windowless restroom and someone turns out the lights.
  • Matt. 7:20 says “By their fruits ye shall know them.” Dear Westboro Baptist Church: Maybe the Lord doesn’t need recycled horse apples.
  • Booing a first lady. Any first lady. Really classy. Suggest we change the name to CRASSCAR.
  • The current U.S. debt – $15 trillion – is that really more than $2,000 for every person alive on the planet or is my math messed up?
  • The more low-calorie soda you drink, the thinner you get … right?
  • If you have multiple personalities but keep them all straight, is it still a disorder? (We need to know urgently!)
  • The economic plight of our country is the direct result of a vast, both-wing conspiracy.
  • I am not ready for Thanksgiving. I am already 20 pounds overweight.
  • My mom was never shy about demonstrating to me why it is called “child-REARing.” #disciplinedwhethermyrankwascorporalornot
  • Grateful to have been able to get – and get over – my usual Sunday migraine yesterday and thrill to worship with my church family today!
  • If we want significant change, we need to start an Occupy A Restroom Stall movement. (Re: 1965 Natalie Wood movie “The Great Race”)
  • People who line up for midnight premieres of movies about teen vampires and werewolves are from the Twilight Zone.
  • When traveling by air and in airports, try to avoid critiquing things with the phrase “It’s da bomb.” #freeadviceworthwhatyoupaidforit
  • Dyslexia messes up your life. Here I’ve been trying to make a difference the last work day of the week, thinking they were “causal Fridays.”
  • Repeating myself wouldn’t be so bad if I just had something to say. Repeating myself wouldn’t be so bad if I just had something to say.
  • Someone going to the premiere please tell me tomorrrow what I so desperately need to know: 1. Who is Dawn? and 2. How did they break her?
  • Angi’s watching an HGTV International house search while I’m headed to bed. She was not impressed that I knew Buddha never lived in Budapest.
  • The problem, as I see it, is split three ways and two of them are difficult to focus upon. But that’s just because I have trifocals.
  • I’m trying to design my own custom emoticon. How’s this? 8^)> … Looks like I’m lying down on the job. Accurate enough.
  • I was never cool. I never cared about being cool until now, and I am too cool. Most of the time. I think a cardigan will take care of it.
  • It’s really hard for me to pray for Jerry Sandusky. I know I should. My compromise is to pray for him 1/18th as much as for his 18 victims.
  • Truth is usually the first victim of extremism.
  • Something you didn’t know (or remember or want to) about me: About 17 years ago, I had two pet newts, Rockne and Gingrich.
  • I think I’m at least as qualified to run as the top three GOP candidates Herman Cain, Rick Perry, and uh … and uh ….
  • Open my eyes, Lord, like you did for Elisha’s servant … to see Your armies surrounding me on the hills, ready to fight for my soul.
  • Today I am yearning for heaven, where news coverage does not have to be saturated with items about inappropriate sexual touching.
  • I just realized that, once again, I am dressed to depress.
  • Long night. Anyone in LR know of a medical supply where I can rent an intravenous caffeine drip? Open early?
  • What’s going on? Hogs having a good season. Cowboys having a good season. #Luck? #Fate? #Karma? #Apocalypse?
  • We need to have a national election to finally determine the only “There’s nothing worse than ….” #canonlybeone
  • Well, if it was “needless to say,” then why did you say it? #inarguable
  • Sorry. I am self-diagnosed with Twitrette Syndrome. It’s like Tourette; it just comes out of my keyboarding fingers instead of my mouth.
  • I’ve been making some really poor decisions lately. (As my terrible scores in Bejeweled 2 will confirm.)
  • Now that Veteran’s/Palindrome Day is over, did you know that if you take today’s date and divide by 12345, the result has no significance?
  • I think I could enjoy hunting in the deer woods if only I could afford a really nice camera with a really long lens. #nogunsthanks
  • … untangled his daughter’s charm necklace without invoking any foreign gods or extraneous dimensions. And with only ten fingers.
  • Little Chocolate Donuts: Breakfast of Champions. Sadly, on my plate are Little Sugar-And-Cinnamon Donuts: Breakfast of Runners-Up.
  • Five nights later, my body has still not adusted to the end of Daylight Saving Time. #goodnight
  • If you use the wrong fork first, no one is going to excommunicate you from the Fellowship of Formal Dining. And if they do, their loss.
  • Yes, Alaska and Hawaii have interstate highways. It is not the fault of the federal government if you and your car can’t make connections.
  • I just wanted to be the first to use the word “turducken” and mention how unappetizing it sounds, starting with those first four letters.
  • I’m a pacifist. I’m a Christian. I am unabashedly grateful for all veterans whose consciences prevent war from becoming worse.
  • The question of soteriology – how God saves us – is not multiple-choice but yes-no. And God’s answer is “YES!” in Jesus Christ.
  • Monsters often have trouble distinguishing attraction from hunger. #stuffivelearnedfromhorrorflicks
  • Monsters are not good about cleaning up after themselves. #stuffivelearnedfromhorrorflicks
  • Don’t go in old castles or Victorian houses after dark. The odds are against you. And the really-odds, too. #stuffivelearnedfromhorrorflicks
  • Zombies can be either superhumanly strong or very fragile. No way to tell by looking. #stuffivelearnedfromhorrorflicks
  • Monsters will always kill the sort-of cute girl in the tank top first. #stuffivelearnedfromhorrorflicks
  • Monsters also really like it when you back away from them and cover your mouth with the back of your hand. #stuffivelearnedfromhorrorflicks
  • If anyone, at any time, says anything about their laboratory, run away. #stuffivelearnedfromhorrorflicks
  • Monsters like it when you scream. They’ll do anything to to get you to scream. Anything. #stuffivelearnedfromhorrorflicks
  • Don’t go into dark spooky places by yourself and then scream to scare your friends. #stuffivelearnedfromhorrorflicks
  • There’s nothing wrong with being right. But there’s a wrong way to be right. And I know I’m right about this because I’m never wrong. Right?
  • What you don’t know can hurt you … even kill you. But probably not until it has tortured you first.
  • Wednesday is the day I usually update my church’s Web sites. Today, their server is down. And I’ve done about all the other stuff I can do.
  • If it’s my party’s candidate, it’s media persecution; if it’s the other party’s candidate, he’s guilty til proven innocent. #CainMeetClinton
  • Here’s my plan for today: Get through it. (Disclaimer: This plan may or may not succeed in your personal circumstances.)
  • Here are my words of wisdom for today: Stop doing stupid stuff. And let me know if it’s possible, will you?
  • I don’t believe I can accept Jesus as my personal Savior. He’s the Savior of all God’s family. Now about my so-called “personal banker” ….
  • May I tactfully point out the painfully obvious flaw in the logic of your dearly-cherished prejudice? No? Well, never mind then.
  • Seriously? An ice cream truck patrolling our neighborhood? In November? … Well, at least it’s blaring “Turkey in the Straw.”
  • I would like to comment on Cowboys/Seahawks, but pictures, descriptions or content used without the NFL’s permission is prohibited.
  • Nothing like starting the day with a migraine to remind you how blessed the previous 10 days have been without one.
  • Workmen tidying up after siding installation. Hosting formal dinner at 6:00. Can you say #beattheclock ?
  • #MaxLucado says, like David, we can either face the giant or flea. I choose the flea.
  • Thinking of starting an Anti-Defamation League for the One Percenters … and having a fundraiser. Poor abused things.
  • So far, the most interesting thing that has happened to me today is writing this tweet. I live such a wild and crazy life. Envy me.
  • I’m sorry, but all braincells are currently busy. Please hold your query until one is available. Thank you for your patience.
  • Given the choice of being taken prisoner by the Kardashians or the Cardassians, I’d choose the latter.
  • Criminy. I forgot the next apocalypse was October 23 (21?) and totally missed it. Anybody absent? Raptured? Hold up your hand if you were.
  • You’ll be glad to know I’m working on a new book. I thought I’d start with the binding.
  • I’m so old I can remember when Disney channel used KC’s “Get Down Tonight” and altered a line to “Do a little dance | make a little flub…”
  • Total depravity – embraced one way or another by Calvinism and Arminianism – sounds to me like an elaborate excuse for bad behavior.
  • I’m using my “Skip A Day” pass for Twitter today. What? It’s only good for Mitchum Deodorant? Well, forget it then. I’m posting this.
  • You know, the joy of worshiping God is either in your heart or it’s not … whether you like the song, the message, the leader — or not.
  • 17 million Americans are clinically depressed. I’m guessing they all watch the morning news.

It has been said that all of these are moot points, and I would find it difficult to disagree. However, if you would like to experience them as they spring unbidden to the three pounds of goat cheese known as my brain and thence to my keyboard, all you have to do is follow keith_brenton at Twitter.com.

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