Robert Heinlein chronicled a far-flung future’s The Notebooks of Lazarus Long; a few years later, David Gerrold responded with the often-hilarious and equally-irreverent Sayings of Solomon Short. That was all years ago, so I have decided at last to reveal Even Still Yet More Maxims of Methuselah Moot (although some of them go back as far as the Greek philosopher-dishwasher Bolognades).

It is possibly coincidental that most if not all are 140 characters or less.

• Sickened by the inaction of both epistemologists and animal rights activists, I am today starting the “FREE SCHRÖDINGER’S CAT” movement.
• Rene Descartes: “I think; therefore, I am.” Me: “God is; therefore, I thank.”
• There are some people who think for themselves. There are other people who think they’re thinking for everybody.
• My word is my bond. I told that to the judge, but she said it was insufficient.
• Maybe it IS best to live 1 day at a time. I tried living 2 and 3 days at a time during finals week in college, but then I’d crash 2 days.
• I wish I had a job like Polly and Wally, where I could doodle all the day.
• Believers in Christ who don’t shoot for perfection ain’t aimin’ high enough. (Matthew 5:48)
• “Matthew 5:11-12 … Matthew 5:11-12 … Matthew 5:11-12 … ” It’s my mantra today.
• This year, for Lent, I am going to try to give up judging people. I will not be indulging to celebrate on Sundays, but asking forgiveness.
• Just had to walk away from “Parenthood.” Love the show. But as an adoptive parent, I couldn’t handle birthmother Zoe’s anguish.
• Well, they should have called it a “drive-past” window instead of a “drive-thru” window if they didn’t want me to …
• My favorite president? William Henry Harrison, who died in office after one month, before he could do anything history would have us regret.
• Fair warning to churches who’ve sent teens to Winterfest: They’ve heard the gospel that frees their souls, not laws which kill their hope.
• Do sumpin ta bless sumbody t’day.
• I appreciate Twitter. It teaches me to communicate concisely. Look! 53 characters left!
• What folks say/write says something about them. Their words – even when they don’t realize it -can be a clue that you need to pray for them.
• Okay, seriously, Microsoft – at the end of the day, I don’t want to shut down my laptop and wait for 20 minutes while 11 UPDATES INSTALL!
• If I feel the need to close something I’ve said with “Just sayin’,” then I probably should have swallowed it instead of said it.
• One thing about growing older that I don’t like is my increasing inability to maintain a coherent where was I going with this?
• I unlocked the Expert Nonconformist Clueless Apathetic Badge at @ExtremelyBoredPeople !
• If I liked you better, I might argue with you more.
• When I express it toward them, it’s “tough love.” When they express it toward me, it’s “persecution.”
• If there was a way I could get my work done by sitting like a dormant zombie, I’d be ready for today.
• You haven’t truly received grace until you have been able to show it to others.
• Masters of transcendental meditation can actually psychically move from a state of Nirvana to a state of Arkansas.
• Okay, I’m visualizing whirled peas. Now trying it without the blender. Nope, can’t do it without CGI.
• My dog Roadie would win hands-down at #Westminster if there was a breeding category called “Sweet-Natured Doofus.”
• There’s a pre-warmed bed waiting for me. But before I get in it I have to shoo the cats off of it. #felinebedwarmers #electricwouldbecheaper
• When I was little, I wanted to grow up to be Captain Kangaroo. Of course, he passed away years ago, so I’m glad I didn’t get what I wanted.
• Tomorrow’s Valentine’s Day, and I’m reminding you that geeks need love, too. But a slide rule probably won’t cut it. Unless it was Nimoy’s.
• It can be difficult to love someone with issues. Especially if it’s years’ worth of issues. Of, like, “Seventeen” or “Boy’s Life.”
• How to determine if your husband or wife really loves you: First, determine whether you have a husband or wife. Then we’ll go from there.
• You can tell a lot about a person by the way they insult their spouse and kids.
• We think news anchors are smart, but they’re not. They say, “See you at 10:00” but TV doesn’t work that way. We see them; they can’t see us.
• I’m not as afraid of dying since finding out that all sorts of dead people still have access to Twitter.
• Would like to be able to get a few more things done today before my head finally decides to explode after all.
• Well, yeah, they’re okay musically. But they never actually fought any foo. #programmersareheroes
• I’m in a whiny mood and the only thing I have to whine about is that I don’t have anything else to whine about.
• Keep repenting until it sticks. Then start repenting of something else.
• Forgive and forget. But don’t forget that you’ve forgiven. (Your turn, @MaxLucado.)
• Anyone who says, “Scripture says this, but it means that” is selling you something. Be careful what you buy.
• “Love never fails. Failure to study never passes. Neither does Tony Romo.”
• Beware of folks who add (only), as in “Faith comes (only) by hearing.” Seeing is believing, too (John 10:38; 20:28).
• Perfect love drives out fear. Imperfect love drives a Ferrari and wears sunglasses. (Your turn, @TravelingMead.)
• My village called. They want their idiot back. Homesick and honored. But bummed that I have never even been nominated here.
• Some days I can only be the tiny moth that feeds on the ill-fitting sweaters knitted from fibers of man-made orthodoxy. Hey, it’s a living.
• Don’t strain at a Gnat and swallow a Camel. Especially the filter tips. Bleah.
• It just occurred to me that the most important thing I do today might just be … to pray for someone.
• My score spread was off, but at least I guessed the right team. You’ve got a 50-50 chance even when you know nothing about the NFL. Like me.
• At least the Material Girl had sufficient material for her costume … if not her performance.
• Now we know for certain what we’ve all been wondering about: the Chevy Sonic faithfully obeys the laws of gravity.
• Patriots 28, Giants 31, Indianapolis $364,000,000, NBC $3.5 million/30-seconds in advertising. That’s my pick of the winners.
• I wanted to tweet something positive, encouraging, witty, intelligent and inspiring today. Uh … lemme get back to you on that, okay?
• I saw my shadow today and realized there would be six more weeks of New-Year’s-resolution-diet.
• I could care less about your apathy. As if it matters to you. Or me.
• There’s a small number of people who don’t think I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread — but understand, sliced bread is way overrated.
• I know this will come as a shock for my fans on signing day, but I’ve decided to let my eligibility expire in order to pursue table tennis.
• @bmitchell42 says she’s interested in a marathon. I love marathons. I could watch ’em all day. Star Trek, Friends, Phineas & Ferb – whatever
• If his Grace has brought you safe thus far, then you don’t need nobody else takin’ you home.
• Just had to give a friend bad news: that K-Cups are for Keurigs, not a new bra size. He was heartbroken.
• I was banished from Farmville with the prestigious Brown Thumb Award and several animal neglect charges.

I promise this is absolutely the next-to-the-last time I will publish more “Maxims of Methuslah Moot.” However, if you would like to experience them as they spring unbidden to the three pounds of goat cheese known as my brain and thence to my keyboard, all you have to do is follow keith_brenton at Twitter.com.