Salvation Fuzz (The Dead Bishop) may be my favorite Monty Python sketch, in all of its various versions.

Faced with the dilemma of having (another) dead bishop on the landing, a family wonders if they should call the Church or the police. They decide to call the Church Police.

Together now: “THE CHURCH POLICE!”

And are immediately rewarded by the arrival of a vicar-sergeant. Ooops, no; a detective-parson.

It was hilarious to me years ago. Nowadays, it’s somehow not quite as funny.

You see, there really are Church Police: the self-appointed folks who feel compelled by some kind of spirit to criticize, write up, and sometimes condemn to hell their brothers and sisters in Christ who have purposely violated these saints’ dearest-held beliefs about matters that often aren’t remotely dealt with in the Bible.

And however much one may admire their zeal for the scripture, their commitment to being watchtowermen, and their dedication to seeking the old paths – the plain fact is not all of their motives and tactics and results are admirable.

If you say much of anything beyond the fact that they exist and they are not going away any time soon (barring, of course, an eschatological event that would take us all away) is to invite the accusation that you are judging people – perhaps being more judgmental than these good brethren.

I don’t know if any of these folks have ever gone directly to the person(s) they name and have something against in order to set the relationship right again, but I can tell you that I’ve never seen such an encounter recounted in any of their publications.

I don’t know if these folks regularly pray for the inspiration of the Spirit to make clear to them the difficulties presented in scripture – or if they regularly pray for the targets of their critiques – but I have never seen that mentioned in their works either.

I don’t know if God has incontrovertibly called them to pursue this priority in their walk with Him – over other priorities such as helping the poor, seeking unity of the brethren, persuading those who do not know Jesus that He is the living Son of God – but I rarely if ever see those concepts within their diatribes as well. – Though I have seen criticism of doing good for the deserving when done in cooperation with people whose church sign reads differently.

My previous preaching minister and friend Mike Cope took a little grief for mentioning these Church Police in a humorous way at his blog a few days ago. Frankly, if any of the folks who felt compelled to correct him for this had any clue how very much grief he has endured in his life and how much of it has come from critical personal attacks on his service to God, they might have softened their criticism a bit.

Okay, having said that I’ll wrap this up.

I believe in a judgment day to come. I believe I will answer for this post. I believe the Church Police will answer for their diatribes as well. I do not believe I will be held responsible for the wrong things they did, nor vice-versa.

For I really have to restrain myself not to become as critical of them as they are of others. I truly have to watch my step so that I don’t fall into the sewer of personal attack, innuendo and strife. I am a basically loving person, but I genuinely have a deep problem loving people who are self-righteously antagonistic toward others who struggle, and who confront and condemn in the name of the Lord while claiming that they are only judging actions and not people. I know how very close to that edge I am right now, while writing this.

So I am begging your help. Pray for me and with me in this, and I will commit to praying for others who (I feel) have neglected the weightier matters; have taken it upon themselves to insist on justice over mercy when God calls for both; have ignored the clear instruction of Matthew 18 and so many other important calls for humility, unity, self-judgment and purity of motive.

Please.

How good and pleasant it is when brothers live apart in insistence upon their own interpretation! – not in Psalm 133:1 anyway.

May they be brought to complete perfection in their understanding of and obedience to scripture, to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. – not quite the way John 17:23 reads.

May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of hermeneutical distinctiveness among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus. – can’t find that in Romans 15:5; can you?

Make every effort to keep the separateness and apartness of the Spirit through the bond of peace. – could Ephesians 4:3 really mean that?

… until we all reach exclusive correctness in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ. – perhaps not the intent of Ephesians 4:13, huh?

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which separates the righteous from the unrighteous in perfect uniformity of doctrine. – hardly the right translation from the Greek of Colossians 3:14, is it?

Perhaps you don’t fast during the Lenten season. I didn’t until last year, and the season sneaked up on me this year. So I had to think fast.

After losing a little sleep the night of Mardi Gras, trying to settle on something to fast from, I finally decided to just repeat last year’s effort: Mountain Dew.

I still love the stuff too much, and my midriff proves it. So, for this season, it goes.

And though I’m not surrounded by vending machines proffering it, there are two in our church building where I now work.

Therefore the spare change I would spend on bottles or cans goes into another can – this year, the can for Children’s Home in Paragould. In fact, all my change is going into it, as soon as I get some.

If God could adopt me through the sacrifice of His Son at Easter – and guarantee an eternal place in His family through its resurrection – the least I can do is make things go a little smoother for some kids who haven’t been adopted yet.

As I’ve said many times before, you can always count on me to do the least I can do.

The long-delayed conclusion to a series of posts beginning with The One Where I Lose Friends. Finally posted because I still haven’t really answered the question “why.”

My blogging friends Fajita and Kendall-Ball have been stirring the homosexuality cauldron of late.

I’ve raised the question in the comments of both posts if homosexuality can be a Romans 14 issue.

That is, could it simply be a matter of conscience? If it violates your conscience, it’s wrong; if it doesn’t, it’s not.

Conscience seems to be the criterion in Romans 14 for the question of celebrating certain holidays and eating meat sacrificed to idols.

Either, in that culture, could have be interpreted by some devout Christians – and by those outside of Christ – as compromise between culture and Christ.

Paul’s instruction was that there is nothing intrinsically wrong with either. But when the freedom to celebrate was used to taunt or tempt a Christian whose conscience was offended by it, it becomes wrong. It is sin.

So far, I’ve had no takers on my question.

Perhaps because the answer is “no.”

Homosexuality is not simply a matter of conscience.

Romans 1 – and I’ll just stick to this one New Testament citation – makes it clear that homosexual activity stirs God’s wrath; both lesbians and gay men are cited. The activity is called “unnatural” and “perversion.” It is described as bringing an unspecified penalty in the very person of the participant. It is listed as the consequence of having exchanged the truth of God for a lie; for having failed to see the evidence of God in His very creation and having participated in idolatry. Those who suppressed the truth by their wickedness made a choice, and God let them make it. He has always let us make our own choices. And He has always let us live with the consequences … in this life.

In fact, things just seem to get worse for them as they: “… become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; they are senseless, faithless, heartless, ruthless.”

Yup, that’s right. God gave them over to shameful lusts. Then He gave them over to depraved minds that were even worse: gossiping, slandering, insolent – well, you just read the list.

And right at the heart of each of them is self.

That’s where we get off-track with homosexuality. It can be like a relationship that is loving, caring, and lifelong – so it seems harmless and therefore sinless. But it’s a relationship that two partners choose against what God wants for them. They want it for themselves.

I’ve read the arguments that God makes people gay. I don’t buy them. That means that God creates some people who have no choice and others who do. I don’t buy that. That means that God creates some people whom He intends to disobey Him. That’s just not consistent with what I read of His nature. He may love Jacob and “hate” Esau, but Esau still chose. (And he lived with the consequences. And he forgave his brother and reconciled with him. But that’s another whole story.)

We sleep with whom we choose – if they choose us as well.

Now, I will buy the argument that God makes people with predilections toward homosexuality … just as He makes people with tendencies toward obesity, greed, sexual proclivity, and all sorts of other self-seeking appetites. Some choices are just tougher for some people.

The answer is not be condemnatory toward some whose struggles with sin are different from our own and accepting toward others whose struggles are similar.

It’s not to justify or re-interpret scripture to approve what God doesn’t.

It’s to live convicting, transparent, confessional lives among all people. It’s to love openly, deeply, and transformationally. It’s to renounce sin in our own lives and encourage others to do the same … because none of our sins – even really bad ones like disobeying our parents – is more powerful than the blood of Christ. The answer is to try to live like Him.

That’s the choice we all need to make.

Of course He has the right to choose. We can ask Him anything, and He can choose His response.

And, if we’re being fair, we recognize His right to choose – just like Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego did (as John Alan Turner has wisely pointed out).

We don’t have the right to blame Him for the consequences if He chooses against our wishes.

Because He lets us choose. And He paid the Price for the consequences when we choose against His wishes.

A very, very high Price.

“The ‘seeker-sensitive’ thing wasn’t working. We decided to go with ‘Christ-sensitive.'”

“Sale on indulgences! Less church for more money!”

“Please respect our seating arrangement: Saints in the front; Sinners in the back.”

“We’ve decided not to talk about Jesus this Sunday. You probably already know everything about Him that you need to, and it most likely makes you as uncomfortable as it does us.”

“Sermon topic this Sunday: God Gave Us Mothers. Surely that won’t offend very many folks.”

“Communion will be served individually, in booths set up in the foyer this Sunday so that no one will distract you from your time of communion. Please pick up a booth number and 2:00-minute appointment time ticket as you enter.”

“There is no order of worship this Sunday. There will be no worship leader … except for the Holy Spirit. However, He needs transportation. Can you bring Him with you?”

“We have a sound problem on the right side of the sanctuary. Nobody’s singing over there.”

“Our new minister will be speaking on the ‘Fruits of the Spirit.’ No tomatoes, please.”

“To correct a common misconception: our minister’s ‘D.Min.’ degree does not connote his grade average.”

“We’re over budget, so there will be no collection this week. You are encouraged to give your regular contribution to someone you know is in need. Tax vouchers will be available upon request.”

“We just quote the parts we like.”

“First Church of Predestination: This Sunday’s sermon is titled ‘Let’s Just Get It Over With.'”

“The one who dies with the most toys … still dies.”

Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. It’s the way God made us.

The Problem With Being Right All The Time is that we have to be strong in everything and weak in nothing to get there.

Jesus tells us to be perfect, as our Heavenly Father is perfect. Yet He knows we’re completely incapable of it, so He pays for our perfection with His own blood so that He can give it to us as a gift.

The Problem With Being Right All The Time is that we can get confused about whether it is Jesus who has given us perfection, or whether it is something that we have earned by ourselves.

God wants us to reach out in love and compassion to others, especially others whom we can bless and who desperately need it.

The Problem With Being Right All The Time is that we may avoid reaching out to others who are wrong and whose wrongness may somehow corrupt our rightness. It may prevent us from recognizing their desperate need because it prevents us from seeing our own.

God wants us to be forgiving without being judgmental. Okay, that’s just a really tall order right there.

The Problem With Being Right All The Time is that we feel we almost have to be judgmental before we can be forgiving … and it can make us feel that we have a moral responsibility to point out the immoral irresponsibility of others, early and often. Which makes it much more difficult to reach much of anyone.

Jesus was forgiving long before He promised to return in judgment. That’s the example He left us.

The Problem With Being Right All The Time is that we people who feel we ourselves are in no particular danger of judgment are just not sympathetic towards people who (we feel) REALLY ARE in danger of judgment but don’t particularly feel it themselves. We feel very little urgency about the judgment, since we ourselves are safe and immune and guaranteed a free ticket to the very nicest luxury suburb of heaven where only other people like us will live forever.

At least that’s how I see The Problem With Being Right All The Time.

(I could be wrong about it.)

All services have been dismissed for fellow worshipers today, because of yesterday’s ice storm. (My daughter is still at her friend’s house, 40 miles away, having half-expectedly stayed a second night.)

At nine a.m., the University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences imploded a 50-year-old student dorm and the sound of its destruction rumbled across Little Rock like thunder.

After the debris is cleared away, there will be a big hole on campus.

It won’t be anything like the one I have in my day today. I already miss co-teaching my class on Revelation; being uplifted by the corporate worship; sharing at the Lord’s table … even hearing my preaching minister’s wrap-up of his multi-month series about the Sermon on the Mount. (Don’t tell him I admitted that, though.)

Today won’t be the same without my children at my side in the worship center. It won’t be the same, waiting for the noise before second worship hour to diminish so that the leader can be heard. It won’t be the same, not hearing the fellowship in the foyer after worship.

Oh, I can still worship in my heart, in my closet, on my own. I can worship with what I have available of my family right here in my own home.

But there’s a reason why Jesus wants us to gather in His name, frequently, and remember Him together.

And on days like this, I understand His reason a little more deeply.

If an ice storm really is on its way and we get iced in and/or lose our electricity, I just wanted to take this opportunity to say thanks for dropping by … and, sorry, I don’t have much on my mind.

I bought extra firelogs today. I know where the matches and candles are. There are plenty of batteries for the flashlights.

Yet I feel uneasy. My nine-year-old daughter is spending the night with a school chum who lives almost 40 miles to the north of us. Or, maybe, several nights – should the storm hit with force.

You never know what will happen.

A senior cheerleader at my son’s junior high/high school was killed – along with her mother – instantly, in an automobile accident on Wednesday night. She didn’t have a church home in life, but in death my home church will serve next Tuesday morning.

It’s been especially tough on her friends, most of whom have strong church ties. All of the youth ministry staff and many others have spent a lot of time at Central Arkansas Christian’s Maumelle campus, helping console and counsel.

I don’t know what you say to grieving young people that will lessen their pain at an already-difficult time in their lives. I don’t know that the young staffers at my home church do either.

Except that you do your best to be prepared. You try to stoke the fire within you; to recharge your spiritual batteries; to know how to ignite the light of Christ that will shine and warm those around.

And you pray that the storm will pass you by.

Some weeks back I begged my preaching minister to submit a fine message he had delivered on the subject of unity as an article for New Wineskins – and the guy consented! On top of that, managing editor Greg Taylor accepted it, and it went live Monday. You can read it (or listen to it) and see if my risk of sycophanting up to the boss was worth the ribbing I’ll get in the church office.

(Though, as I told my minister when I accepted the communications job there last fall, he’s not technically the Boss. That’d be Springsteen.)

Evidently spurred on by my dauntless courage in the face of merciless taunting, Greg Taylor lost no time asking his preaching minister Wade Hodges to contribute an article on the subject of unity and the table, which should appear in a couple of weeks.

And if Greg gets any teasing as a result, I think you’ll find the article will be well worth it to him.

So far the only reaction I’ve fielded was from someone who was a bit surprised that my minister – who likes to think of himself as a staunch conservative – would write for New Wineskins, which frequently serves as a forum for generally less-conservative views.

I quoted back to him the old Vulcan proverb from Star Trek:

“Only Nixon could go to China.”