Yet More Maxims of Methuselah Moot

Methuselah MootRobert Heinlein chronicled a far-flung future’s The Notebooks of Lazarus Long; a few years later, David Gerrold responded with the often-hilarious and equally-irreverent Sayings of Solomon Short. That was all years ago, so I have decided at last to reveal Yet More Maxims of Methuselah Moot (although some of them go back as far as the Roman philosopher-humorist Locquacius Rudimentus).

It is merely coincidental that most if not all are 140 characters or less.

  • Now watching the original Disney “Fantasia” – a long-time Halloween tradition. “Night on Bald Mountain” fading into “Ave Maria.” Awesome.
  • I’ve been watching AMC’s 2009 re-visioning of the 1966 Brit series “The Prisoner.” Nothing is more scary than being unable to discern truth.
  • #thatawkwardmoment when rolling a pumpkin downhill on the street is not the harmless prank you thought as it bowls over two toddler fairies.
  • #thatawkwardmoment when you realize that the two folks in police costumes at the door are there about the party noise, not to accept Neccos.
  • #thatawkwardmoment when you compliment a mom with kids at your door with “Nice witch costume!” and she growls back: “What costume?”
  • #thatawkwardmoment when you run out of Halloween candy in the middle of a group of costumed teens, any of whom is big enough to take you.
  • #thatawkwardmoment when you tap someone on the shoulder who is paused at the wrought-iron fence reading the “Beware of the Thing” sign.
  • #thatawkwardmoment when the door’s answered by a lady in a scant dominatrix costume telling your kids, “You wanna treat? Roll over and beg.”
  • Somebody tell me again how dressing up to look like someone we’re not and demanding treats on Halloween is different from any other day…?
  • #thatawkwardmoment in the back of the squad car when you realize an orange jumpsuit was not your best choice as a Halloween costume.
  • #thatawkwardmoment when you told her it was the most terrifying Halloween wig you’d ever seen and she said it was her new $70 do.
  • #thatawkwardmoment when you really outdid yourself on your Halloween costume and you showed up the only one costumed.
  • #thatawkwardmoment when you try to return your Halloween costume on November 1 … even though you have a receipt.
  • #thatawkwardmoment when your cup of fogging Halloween brew turns out to have a chip of dry ice in it that freezes your lips together.
  • #thatawkwardmoment after you put on your Halloween costume and someone asks you “Why didn’t you wear a costume?”
  • Anyone who plays God should be prepared to lose. It’s not that He cheats ; He just holds all the cards.
  • #thatawkwardmoment when you’re all hyped for Halloween, watching the Charlie Brown cartoon, and pass out when the Great Pumpkin rises.
  • #thatawkwardmoment when you’re chatting about horror flicks and can’t remember Michael Myers from Jason Voorhees. Or their last names.
  • #thatawkwardmoment at the Halloween bash when you realize none of these young kids know what a Klingon is – and they’re in their 20s & 30s.
  • #thatawkwardmoment when you’ve told your mom you want to be a hobo for Halloween; she rolls you up in a brown rug because she heard “HoHo.”
  • If you gave me a gift, how would you feel if I said, “Oh, I really want and need this. But I can’t. Could I just work for you and earn it?”
  • Pugsley had a solution to the problem of both protestors and Wall Street … if he could just get the trajectory right.
  • Wednesday was sure that there was a person inside the big purple dinosaur, but could be surgically removed without either one surviving.
  • By the end of the episode, neither Elvira nor Morticia could be persuaded to “Say Yes to the Dress.”
  • Many dining establishments are now serving food with sea salt, where the word “sea” is a synonym for “way too much.”
  • You couldn’t pay me enough to be President. Wouldn’t do it. Not for all the money we owe China.
  • Trying Dunkin Donuts’ Pumpkin Spice coffee, the home brew version, this morning. Liking it. Liking it very much.
  • Now everyone will start noticing there’s no basketball. I like basketball. I liked it a lot more when it was a game rather than an industry.
  • McRib … probably the scariest thing about Halloween.
  • Say you went shopping for a religion. Would you be more impressed by those who were smart about their faith – or those who lived it well?
  • You know, when they create a tv series called “CSI Cleveland,” it’s time to euthanize the franchise.
  • Are there still teams playing baseball? For cryin’ out loud, it’s nearly November! Are they waiting for snow to stop them?
  • The Aflac duck has looked delicious to me for some time … but I’ve come to favor shooting the Major Medical pigeon on general principles.
  • Or possibly so that they will conclude I am not loaded yet, but would like to be.
  • I’ve decided that I want my personal logo to be an animated spinning spokewheel … so people will get impatient with me and give up on me.
  • Whenever Buddhism starts sounding attractive to me, I just assume a lotus position and try not to think about it.
  • I’m awake. I’m up. I can’t say I’m real happy about it.
  • I think it’s hysterical when you run Windows Update and click to restart and get a message: “Can’t shut down. Windows Update still running.”
  • I apologize for my previous (and incomplete) tweet; there is really no excuse or justification for my inexplicable lack of planning and fore
  • I must truly and deeply express my regret that the final part of this tweet will not be able to appear due to the inordinate amount of chara
  • But I’m not lost! I’m exploring. And enjoying the scenery. (So chill out, willya?)
  • “I’m not sure I agree with you.” (Actually, I’m pretty sure you’re dead wrong, but this sounds nicer.) #whatwesay #whatwemean
  • Henry David Thoreau said most men lead lives of quiet desperation. The Apostle Paul recommended a life of quiet inspiration (1 Ths. 4:9-12).
  • I love a bowl of McCann’s Irish Oatmeal with a dollop of apricot preserves on top. But tonight, it’s blackberry. Just as good.
  • Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. Pop flies don’t like an outfielder. #worldserieshumor
  • I believe that all of my prayers are answered – perhaps not the way (or as soon as) I would like/expect – but always answered.
  • Pretend that Christ comes to your church this morning. Nobody talks about Him. Nobody sings about Him. Would He feel welcome?
  • Pretend you have never stepped into your church before. You don’t know anyone. You don’t know what’s going on. Would you feel welcome?
  • Beware the candidate who promises lower taxes and less government but has been happy to accept a paycheck as governor or congressman.
  • When his assistant told him she would kill for a promotion like his, he didn’t take her literally. #grimtweets
  • On the other hand, he should have known better to buy a designer necktie made of hemp by an outfit named Neuse. #grimtweets
  • “You would think that, among so many thousands of them – more or less – that one nuclear warhead wouldn’t matter,” he reasoned. #grimtweets
  • Henbane or hemlock? She stroked her pointed chin, not remembering. In the end, it probably didn’t matter. In the end. #grimtweets
  • The Antarctic outpost was exactly like the way he had seen it in his premonitional dream … except for one Thing …. #grimtweets
  • Standing outside it, Ted wondered why anyone would go in it. He didn’t know that outside or in didn’t matter to this house. #grimtweets
  • Skipping over the grave’s freshly-turned dirt, the last thing Sally expected was to feel her ankle grabbed. The very last thing. #grimtweets
  • Encased in a huge block of transparent Lucite, the gorgeous young woman looked very lifelike. Especially when she blinked. #grimtweets
  • “It’s midnight,” they urged the mysterious ball guest. “Won’t you take off that ugly Death mask?” “What mask?” #grimtweets @mike_the_eyeguy
  • Racing his motor, Dean estimated whether the old lady in front of him would get a cross. She did; a white one. #grimtweets @mike_the_eyeguy
  • “I’m not sure I’m ready for that kind of commitment.” – Dr. Victor Friese, en route to Arkham Asylum. #grimtweets @mike_the_eyeguy
  • “As it turns out, the way to a man’s heart CAN be his stomach.” – Sadie “The Surgeon” Stitcher #grimtweets @mike_the_eyeguy
  • “In retrospect, it was not a priority that foredeck passengers have fresh ice.” Capt. Edward Smith, RMS Titanic #grimtweets @mike_the_eyeguy
  • Any idiot can rail against something. (I’ve proven this by example.) But it takes a lot more courage to stand FOR something … or Someone.
  • Toughest marching orders ever: “This is my commandment, that ye love one another, even as I have loved you.” – John 15:12
  • What is so difficult about Matthew 24:36 and 25:13 for Harold Camping to understand? “You do not know the day or hour….”
  • My cat and dog always get a handout as Angi makes a turkey sandwich for my son’s lunch. He doesn’t have class on Friday. They’re devastated.
  • It doesn’t take an advanced degree in biblical studies to see that what the Bible is talking about is loving God and others more than self.
  • I don’t want to be known as the guy who put the “mental” in “judgmental.”
  • Is it possible? That I will never again have to worry about how to spell Khadaffi / Qadaffi / Ghaddafy?
  • I never got a do-over on that last tweet and now this one’s turning out to be just as pointless.
  • I would like a do-over on this tweet because I didn’t get it right the first time.
  • It would seem that, for me, every glass is a dribble glass.
  • Romney and Perry last night: What Aunt Eller said about Curly and Judd Fry out in the smokehouse.
  • I am a little bit slysdexic.
  • Here is the task, as I see it, faced in preaching… “Churches of Christ and the Challenge of Preaching”
  • Rain awakens. First thought: You know what made David a man after God’s own heart? He forgave Saul over and over. Just like God forgives.
  • I can’t take seriously anyone who proclaims that they KNOW a certain person is condemned to hell. God gave them a peek at Judgment Day …?
  • God was at work in many churches yesterday. He’s also at work in many homes and workplaces today.
  • You can flail away at the straw man all you want, but as soon as you put a name and face on it, you appear mean-spirited AND stupid.
  • God was at work in many churches today. (But you can still reach Him at home.)
  • I was thinking of creating an event on Facebook and Twitter called “Occupy Time Better.” But I’d have to give up Facebook and Twitter.
  • Two of the most vanishingly uncommon commodities of the 21st century are common sense and common courtesy.
  • Angi and I decided our kids and pets would know they are not the center of our lives. The kids know it’s Christ. The pets are a challenge.
  • Third cable outage of the day. I think there should be legislation permitting customers to pro-rate their bills, deducting offline time.
  • How about making tax breaks available only to companies whose best-paid employee’s total comp. package exceeds the least by 100x or less?
  • Too often we assume that when two theories are oppositional, one must be right and the other wrong. They could BOTH be wrong.
  • I don’t believe God has to obey Bishop Ussher or Charles Darwin when it comes to the way and duration of His creative process.
  • “I was technophobic before technophobia was cool.” – the last known tweet* of Henry David Thoreau (*disputed, due to pre-Y2K servers)
  • My theory is that the zombie myth got started when someone saw a person like me getting out of bed before coffee was invented.
  • Not sure about my Mac. It just installed 3 updates, displaying a “Cleaning up…” message for a long time. But my office is still dirty.
  • Friends come and go. Power is fleeting. Wealth may desert you. I just want cookies.
  • Forgive my Restoration roots, but where’s the book, chapter and verse in the Koran that authorizes blowing up people with your underwear?
  • Does it astound you that the Creator of the universe, almighty God, everlasting Father, hears your prayer and seeks you as child and friend?
  • “Plain burger. Just a patty and bun.” WHAT IS SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND ABOUT THAT? #BKdrivethruworkersatmentalvmax
  • Passed too many one-handed drivers on cellphones in rain today. Good news for body shops, hospitals and mortuaries. Not so much for others.
  • There should be no /s in the body, but its parts should have = concern for each other. – 1 Cor 12:25 #biblemath
  • Faith + goodness + knowledge + self-control + perseverance + godliness + brotherly kindness + love. – 2 Peter 1:5-7 #biblemath
  • (Christ) was sacrificed x 1 to – the (sins) of many people. – Hebrews 9:28 #biblemath
  • The one who is in you is > the one who is in the world. – 1 John 4:4 // God is > our hearts. – 1 John 3:20 #biblemath
  • Two passages that give me pause when I think that someone seeking benevolence is actually scamming: 1 Corinthians 6:7 and Matthew 5:40-42.
  • So the Senate rejected the jobs bill. You know, firing these 100 people might actually improve unemployment.
  • I wonder if the murderous interplanetary spree of Redjack started when H.G. Wells dispersed him from the time machine in 1979 San Francisco?
  • Ever been sent a friend request by Facebook User? I’ve seen some of the comments made by Facebook User, and I’m not eager to accept.
  • Sure it’ll do 88 in a mall parking lot, fly in a thunderstorm and travel through time. But can you still get parts for it?
  • Forcryinoutloud does she have to smack her lips and romp on the bed all night? (The cat, that is. Angi’s out of town.)
  • I have restless, questing mind. I wonder things … like, “Did Morticia Addams knit scarves for Dr. Who when Cousin Crimp had enough?”
  • Could you tell the voices inside your head to speak more softly? The voices inside my head can’t hear each other. Thanks.
  • Had something witty and sweet to tweet, but by the time I remembered what it was, it wasn’t all that witty or sweet. So this is all you get.
  • Daughter @lauralbren has written her favorite verses in dry-erase on her mirror. Each day she gets ready and sees herself reflected in them.
  • I just can’t seem to follow the thread of this discussion. Oh, wait; this is #Twitter.
  • There is objective truth … and there is subjective interpretation. When we cannot tell the difference between them, we’re deceived.
  • Don’t mean to state the obvious, but when you post something everyone already knows is true, you’re stating the obvious. #obviously
  • I wish @TravelingMead would write books. I wish he had a publisher named Wensch, whom I could call and implore “More Mead, Wensch!”
  • If Christianity is only about living a Christ-like life to the glory of God, how can that be the same as anything else?
  • If Christianity is only about helping those in need, how is that different from a registered charity?
  • If Christianity is only about evangelism and saving people to save other people, how is that different from a pyramid scheme?
  • Think I’ll bill Bank of America $5 a month for insulting my intelligence and favoring stockholders over customers. They’re not even my bank.
  • I am a geek. I am enjoying “Pirates of Silicon Valley” on #TNT.
  • I’m not sure Steve Jobs was successful as a Buddhist. How could so many incredible somethings come from a mind full of emptiness?
  • Steve Jobs is dead. I am saddened. I feel the way I felt in fourth grade when I heard that Walt Disney had died. Now innovation is up to us.
  • What do we learn from Gog and Magog (Rev. 20)? Trust God to bring the fire.
  • What do we learn from Ananias and Sapphira (Acts 2-5)? Trust God to bring the fire. Don’t let it go out. Don’t try to bring your own.
  • What do we learn from Nadab and Abihu (Lev. 9:24-10:2)? Trust God to bring the fire. Don’t let it go out. Don’t try to bring your own.
  • Can you be happy and not know it? And is it okay to clap your hands anyway?
  • Went home sick but still working a little. Took decongestant and a big steamy bowl of cafe au lait.
  • I don’t feel good and I have all of the personal charm of a pit viper. This is after coffee. Not good.
  • Surprised that Spain doesn’t build hi-mileage cars. When they built sailing ships, they’d get 20-30,000 miles per galleon. #oldjokerecycled
  • My education: Currently pursuing a course in Life Studies at the University of Soft Knocks (Matt. 7:7; Luke 11:9; Rev. 3:20).
  • How can I expect a fantasy football team to win when they won’t do their two-a-days, dress out or even run laps? #troubledfantasy
  • I’m so grateful for what I have – but sometimes I look at Angi and wish we could have met 15 years earlier and shared those years, too.
  • What would it take to persuade you that you have more value than you know? What if I told you God loves you so much that Jesus died for you?
  • What would it take to persuade you that you have more value than you know? A haunting from Christmas Spirits Past, Present, and Future?
  • What would it take to persuade you that you have more value than you know? A visit from Clarence Oddbody?
  • I should not be this excited that Discovery’s HD Theater channel is becoming the all-car channel Velocity. But I am.
  • When my back and knees hurt, I prefer to think of my peculiar gait as performance art. #ministeroffunnywalks
  • Where does your cosmology come from: “Big Bang Theory” or “Third Rock from the Sun”?
  • My sense of humor has finally graduated from sophomoric to junioric. (Though some might say this post contradicts that.)
  • Running really is for people being chased down as food or chasing down food.

It has been said that all of these are moot points, and I would find it difficult to disagree. However, if you would like to experience them as they spring unbidden to my semi-consciousness and thence to my keyboard, all you have to do is follow keith_brenton at


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